Late in 2009 I realised I was going to have to speak out what had happened to me as a child to the police. I knew that if I did not it would kill me and I did not want to be one more life lost to abuse. I had taken the first step in setting up this site and beginning to tell my story here but I knew I was going to have to take telling this next step further.
I'd reached a point in my life where I could no longer carry on just existing, just surviving, just staying alive for the sake of it. I had no quality of life, something had to change.
So on Monday 8th March 2010 I did something which meant my life would change and never be the same again. I picked up the phone and reported my parents and brother to the police on historic child abuse\child cruelty charges.
It had taken me 6 weeks to pluck up the courage to do this after reading an article in the Whitehaven News late Jan 2010 encouraging victims of sexual abuse regardless of age or when it happened to come forward. It gave a phone number to ring. When I read that article it was like someone placed an invitation in my hand. I would not have known who to phone or how to go about it.
So on the afternoon of 8th March 2010 I sat and stared at that phone number for 3 hours and in the end told myself to stop vacillitating and pick up the phone and ring the number given. A little after 4pm I picked up the phone and dialled the number in the article. I had to be redirected from a switchboard to the right person and it took a good 2-3 minutes. Throughout that time everything in me was screaming “put the phone down” but I knew I had to stay on the line because I knew I'd never be able to find the courage to pick up the phone and dial that number a second time.
Eventually I found myself speaking to someone from the appropriate team. I heard myself say “I want to report that I was abused and tortured by my parents and brother while I grew up in Whitehaven between the years of 1974 and 1986." I remember my voice was shaking as I said those words. I was questioned closely for a few minutes, especially concerning the dates. I kept thinking "she's gonna say it happened too long ago" but she didn't, instead she said it would be investigated and ended the call. I remember putting the phone down and starting to shake. It was like I went into shock. For the next hour I was just a gibbering wreck as the reality and enormity of what I had just done hit me.
I felt sheer terror about breaking my silence but also immense pride that I'd found the courage and words after 24 years to begin to speak out the true horror that I endured as a child. I even began to dare to dream that I might be able to finally get justice for me the adult but also more importantly for the deeply traumatised little girl living inside me.
I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!