When I began writing about my abuse and my healing journey I never thought I’d find myself writing about grief. Grief was not something I would hitherto have equated with childhood abuse.
But the events of the last few months have enabled me to rediscover the ability to cry which I lost very early on childhood. As that has happened I’ve come face to face with grief, deep grief, grief that goes way beyond words. The grief does not appear to be static, there seems to be several layers to it.
Initially my thoughts about grief were in relation to the context of grieving for the things I never had. I feel all my life that I've been silently bleeding away inside grieving for that childhood I never had. Grieving for that love and acceptance I never received. Grieving for all I never had as part of a "normal" childhood.
When I think of some of the things I could have had in a normal childhood:-
Play and exploring
Having dreams and hopes
Being care free
Home being a safe place
Warmth, love and acceptance
A family, belonging, fitting in
Being safe in my own bed
Someone to show me how to use makeup, affirm my femininity and take me shopping
Someone to teach me about money and how to budget
Having a future
The basic things of life such as being able to cook, including understanding nutrition and healthy eating; how to launder and repair clothes
Then there is also the grief over what did happen and what I lost as a result. I lost among other things:-
the ability to trust and form relationships
my virginity and sexuality
my self worth
my ability to play and be creative
my family, belonging
the ability to be and to feel safe and secure
hopes and dreams
... and so many other things
Now I additionally have the grief of the legal case being dropped against my abusers too. This includes the grief of:-
Not having the opportunity to have my 6 hours of evidence - my voice – heard by 12 members of a jury
Having the prospect of the possibility of a “guilty verdict” being ripped away from me
Seeing my abusers stood up to and told in no uncertain terms that what they did was wrong
Losing the possibility of gaining justice for me the adult and for the little traumatised girl inside of me
Not seeing my abusers exposed
Having the prospect of ever being able to be compensated for the damage done to me and the financial losses I’ve incurred throughout my life because of the long term effects of the abuse and torture ripped away from me too by the dropping of the case
Yet another injustice to deal with along with all the other injustices I experienced through the abuse
More trauma and more betrayal to have to work through
The sheer unfairness of it all
Justice was not a lot to ask for! For the truth to come out was also not a lot to ask for! For my abusers to be exposed was not a lot to ask for!
After all I've gone through in life! After all I went through making that disclosure to the police. After all I went through in giving evidence for 6 long hours! That evidence will never be heard now and that hurts more than I can say.
There are no words for what I feel! There are no words that can comfort or offer any kind of explanation! All I am left with is total devastation, disillusionment and bewilderment!
My life has been completely torn apart by the dropping of the case and by how that news was broken to me. I really don’t know how I’m going to get over it.
Somehow I’m going to have to navigate my way through all this grief piled on grief. I'd never have thought of having to go through grieving processes in relation to abuse. But as I’ve explored it I’ve realised that it was good to look more closely at it.
Now as tears pour out of me after a lifetime of not crying, I realise some of the tears are that grief as well as tears of shock, bewilderment and disbelief. Many of my tears have been stored inside of me for 30, maybe 35 years. It’s easy to feel that once those tears are allowed to surface I will drown in them, for there are so many to come out.
But just as there are layers of grief, layers of anger, layers of remembering, so I should imagine there are layers of tears too.
I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!