It’s been two weeks since the phone call that ripped my world apart, the cold clinical call which informed me the CPS had dropped the legal case against my abusers for, at best very tenuous reasons, at worst totally crap indefensible reasons.
During that time I’ve been in very deep shock. I’ve never known shock like it. I’ve never been so broken in my life. I’ve never known such bewilderment. I’m still shaking my head. I’m still finding it virtually impossible to take in. I feel like life will never be ok again.
In order to express my feelings of helplessness, anger and to get my story “out” I wrote and published the 5-part mini series in which I told the story of all that has happened during the last few months from deciding to disclose, right through the process to the case being dropped by the CPS. It was so liberating to finally be able to stop the secrets, stop guarding my words and just say it as it was, say it as it happened. It’s so liberating because the real me is naturally honest and transparent. Over the years I’ve hated having to watch what I say for fear of not being believed and of being thought of as crazy. I feel like I’ve been living a lie all these years and to now be able to speak freely is so wonderful, I struggle to find words for how good it feels.
Following publishing the mini series I had so many comments expressing shock and horror at what had happened along with comments about how strong, brave and dignified I’d shown myself to be and how inspired people are by me and by my honesty.
As word has spread I’ve been totally overwhelmed by messages of devastation, shock, disbelief, support, love, encouragement, validation and solidarity from across the world.
All my life I’ve felt so alone with the hurt and the secrets. I’ve been so physically alone ever since I was disowned. But now I’m realising I’m not alone. I’m realising I’ve been believed by many people, including the police and many professional people. Not only have I been believed by these people, but they also believe IN ME. So many of them have said to me “I can see and hear the survivor in you.”
On top of all that I’ve found out who my true safe friends are. I have several friends now who know the truth, fully believe me, are fully supportive and are believing in me to find my way through and out the other side of all this stuff.
Additionally I’m also discovering there were people in my childhood who knew I was being badly mistreated and who are fully supportive of me now. I do not blame them for not going to the authorities with their suspicions all those years ago. Society was very different in the 1970’s and early 1980’s.
I’ve discovered that I spoke to the wrong people in the church when I was a child and tried to say things were wrong at home. All my life I’ve wondered if these people were taken in by my abusers’ lies and thought as badly about me as I assumed they did from the lies my abusers’ spoke about me when asked anything about me. Now I know they were not taken in by my abusers. Now I know they knew I was being mistreated. Now I know they have no problem believing all that has come out now. Finding that out so validated me. I felt 6-feet taller and that I could begin to hold my head high. Someone who’s known me for over 20 years has said many times to me “why do you walk around looking at the ground all the time?” Well now she knows!
But the TRUTH is I have nothing to be ashamed of or afraid of because I am speaking the truth. I am living in the truth. I am being believed. I am being believed in.
I realise too how deep the ‘bad’ belief system in me was. I was told repeatedly over 20 years that I was evil, worthless, bad, deserved everything I got, had nothing of any worth to say and should just be a good little girl, be quiet, be compliant, do as you’re told. I suppose when you’re told that often enough it becomes part of the fabric of who you are, how you think and how you filter all you experience. To be repeatedly told what people would think if I ever said anything completed the destruction of my self esteem and self worth. I now realise I carried those lies deep inside of me.
Even now I’m telling and despite being believed there is this little niggle inside waiting for people to not believe me and accuse me of making it up.
But by reminding myself how many people have believed me and are believing me, little by little it’s starting to help me believe healing is possible. It’s helping me start to believe there is a way through this. It’s helping me start to believe positives can come from telling now.
By disclosing I began a process which has liberated me to begin to build a new life, built upon strong foundations. Why? Well because the foundations are being built on truth, no more lies, no more secrets, no more pretending, no more bull, just the TRUTH, the whole TRUTH and nothing but the TRUTH. And boy, it feels so good. Yes, it’s scary, yes it’s being vulnerable but hey I’d rather feel the fear and do it afraid than continue to exist, not even live, a life based upon the lies brainwashed into me by my abusers.
You’ve got no idea how good it feels to say no more lies, no more secrets, no more pretending, no more fearing being found out, no more guarding my words – just TRUTH from now on!!
I draw great strength, hope, validation and encouragement from all the messages and comments I’ve received during what have been the worst and hardest two weeks of my adult life. I know I will continue to do so over the coming weeks, months and years as I work on my healing.
I know there are dark days ahead, healing will not be easy or painless but nothing can be worse than what I've survived and worked through already. I dream that, some time in the future, I’ll wake up one day and realise I’ve stopped just existing, just surviving, just staying alive for the sake of just staying alive and have instead begun to live, to really live. I dream one day the sun will come out and stay out and not be chased away or hidden by the big black clouds of my childhood.
I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!