I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Sunday, 21 November 2010


Just when I thought I was settling down, ‘dealing’ with what’s happened during the last few weeks and months I discover I’m not ‘dealing with it’ as well as I thought I was. I’m not getting past ‘it’.

I keep hearing the phrase in my head “The King Is Dead, Long Live The King”. That proclamation is used to describe the transition of sovereignty following the death of the monarch. Being British I’ve always been aware of that phrase but never knew of how it came into existence. So I decided to look it up as I couldn’t get it out of my head.

Wikipedia tells me the phrase was “
originally translated from the French “le Roi est mort. Vive le Roi!” which was first declared in 1422 at the coronation of King Charles VII. The phrase arose from the law of le mort saisit le vif — that the transfer of sovereignty occurs instantaneously upon the moment of death of the previous monarch. "The King is dead" is the announcement of a monarch who has just died. "Long live the King!" refers to the heir who immediately succeeds to a throne upon the death of the preceding monarch”

History lesson now over!

Trouble is I can’t join in the “Long Live the King” bit because I’m stuck in the “The King is Dead” bit.

There isn’t quite such an easy succession from the one to the other for me. I’m still waiting for the phone to ring and for me to hear the words “they’re going to be charged, prosecution is going ahead”. I can’t seem to accept what has happened. Actually I can’t believe or take in what has happened.

My case should never have been NFA’d by the Crown Prosecution Service. Someone should be fired for making such an awful decision. Something went very badly wrong. Someone somewhere overlooked something. Someone somewhere did not do their job properly. It is such a total injustice that I just cannot take in.

I don’t know how I’m going to ‘get over’ this. Am I ever going to ‘get over’ it? Or is it going to be more a case of learning to live with the ‘almost impossible to live with’ – that I spoke out, I disclosed to the police expecting it all to come out into the open instead it’s all been hushed up, the guilty walk free, unexposed. How am I supposed to live with that? What it took to make that initial phone call to disclose and what it took to go through all the police interviews – and for what?

Yes I’m angry. Yes I’m hurting. Yes I’m bewildered. Yes I’m in shock. Yes I’m sad. Yes I’m longing for someone to shake me awake from this nightmare. Except there’s no waking up from this nightmare because I’m living it.

The last few days I’ve been hit by a fresh wave of shock, disbelief, grief, horror. I had to write because I was closing in on myself. I had to write to get my feelings out somehow. I had to write to acknowledge this stage in the process. I had to write to acknowledge how I’m feeling. I had to write to honour my feelings. I had to write to honour the grief. I had to write to try to process this. I had to write just because I had to write.


Darlene Ouimet said...

I understood what you were getting at before I even read your explanation Fi. I LOVE the long live the King illustration! Being stuck between the old life and the new life, I was stuck there for so long, BUT not forever! When I look back on my journey to back to me, I realize that hellish stuck place was like a "holding tank" where I did most of the transitions so that I would be ready to move forward. (and moving forward is huge and scary ~ like growing up from birth again and re wiring all the wires that got connected wrong the first time.) It was kind of like feeling my way around in a pitch dark cave... it would have been worse if the space was unlimited. So...in a way the transition tank was a good thing. You will get to the other side of this!
hugs, Darlene


It's so true I feel so stuck - and I was beginning to feel I'd done something wrong - I should have moved on - I should have got over it by now - I should be past that by now - come on Fi this is ridiculous - all the critical voices and thought processes - but instead I'm stuck in this holding place, trying to make sense, trying to find a way forward but all I see is confusion and darkness - thanks for your encouragement