I am immensely humbled and astounded to see that over 8000 people have now visited this blog since I established it in July 2008.
This time last year just over 3000 people had visited so to have 5000 new visitors during this past year is just awesome. My website counter only counts first time visits rather than total site hits so I don’t know how many people come back and follow my journey. I only know of a few.
When I set this blog up it was all about me going public for the very first time about the’ story’ of my childhood. I try to avoid the word ‘story’ when speaking about writing about my life. The word ‘story’ conjures up thoughts of made up things. That is the reason I avoid that word because nothing I have written or will write in the future is made up. However horrible it may be, it is the TRUTH of what I endured and somehow survived.
During my life I’ve told friends I was abused in childhood but never gone into detail. I seemed to spend my life going round in circles saying I’d been abused, desperate for help and desperate to do whatever it took to heal but not getting anywhere. It was so frustrating and soul destroying. So as the years passed I just tried to get on with life but found I couldn’t. No matter what I tried nothing worked. I couldn’t find a way through the pain which was slowly killing me on the inside.
The hardest consequence of the abuse for me is that I’ve been so alone because the severity of it left me completely incapable of having relationships. I’ve felt like a child trapped in an adult’s body all my life.
I’ve also felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body all my life because my femininity was never validated and because I so wanted to go to sleep a girl and wake up every morning as a boy so the abuse wouldn’t continue. For many years I seriously considered having a sex-change operation because I felt so bad in my own skin. I never recognised or validated my own femininity. Interestingly as I’ve lifted the veil on the truth of the abuse I’ve felt less and less like a man and begun to tentatively accept my own gender.
Over the years I kept experiencing depressive episode after depressive episode. Each depressive episode got darker and was harder to climb out of. The panic attacks grew worse over the years.
I hid my hurt behind a well worn fake smile. I hid my eating disorder underneath baggy clothes. I hid my self-harming underneath tubigrip bandages on my arms.
After many years of insomnia, nightmares, night terrors and keeping busy, busy, busy, my body collapsed with Chronic Fatigue/ME. I knew some of the roots of the CFS/ME lay in my childhood abuse, although there was also a link to an episode of severe flu that I never really got over.
When I began this blog I had no idea what it would become or that two other blogs would be born out of it. My vision in setting it up was to share my life’s history, my poetry and document my healing journey. There’ve been times I’ve hit the publish button terrified, knowing I’ve just shared a really vulnerable part of me.
The comments I’ve received during the lifetime of the blog have been amazing, astounding and so encouraging.
Little did I know where the blog would lead. As time’s gone on I’ve got more and more brave in my writing. Each time I take a risk and share increasingly vulnerably the more liberated I feel.
Blogging has been an amazing journey for me. I had no thought of who would read my blog. I just hoped that survivors would find it somehow. I hoped those survivors would find hope and inspiration through my writing.
As my blog has developed I’ve realised it is possible to come out of the devastation of child abuse and find a way through the hurt and shame but it’s a very hard and arduous journey.
Although I’ve written in great detail at times on my blog I still find it virtually impossible to verbally speak the detail. There’s something about the anonymity of a computer screen that has helped me explore ‘telling’ in writing. But my ‘telling’ had to go beyond that.
After the blog had been running for a year and a half I knew my next step in ‘telling’ was disclosing to the police which I did in March of this year. During the five months of the police investigation I wasn’t able to speak in detail because of the pending legal case and wanted to. So I spoke and wrote around it exploring some of the effects of the abuse upon my life and exploring some of my thoughts and feelings about it. Since the case was been dropped for lack of evidence I can talk and write openly about it all.
The weird thing is I’ve found I can’t verbally speak about it!
That feels really strange.
The thing is I held back a lot in the police interviews because I was afraid that if I told the truth as horrifically as it was really was I wouldn’t be believed because I thought those hearing me would think that things so horrific couldn’t possibly have happened and I wouldn’t have any credibility.
Although I’ve been fully believed by all the professionals, even though they don’t know the detail, they fully believe I’m a survivor. Despite all that there is still fear/sheer terror of ‘telling’.
There is also very deep shame. Shame prevents me telling! I feel so contaminated, so tainted and so violated by what happened to me that I’m afraid of telling because I’m scared of passing that contamination on to the person I tell.
I’ve come a long way during the last couple of years in sharing the truth of my life but I’m now about to commence a new stage of my healing.
The next step of telling for me is sitting with my mental health worker and telling her the truth of what I endured as a child to prepare me for the step beyond that of going into an intensive 12-week group programme for survivors of child sexual abuse.
The mere thought of sitting face to face with someone and telling of such shameful degrading acts terrifies me. But I know I must face it if I’m going to move forward.
In the meantime it’s such a privilege and honour to share my journey with you.
I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!