I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Monday, 6 December 2010


Anger is often seen as a taboo subject especially in Christian circles. We don’t talk about anger.

BUT I firmly believe that deep anger is a totally valid and appropriate response to child abuse and abuse of any kind. To be honest I cannot think of any other appropriate reaction to abuse but anger, disgust, revulsion etc.

As a little girl I was taught that good little girls don’t get angry or have any negative feelings. Good little girls just smile and pretend everything’s ok, come what may. I was not allowed any feelings as a child, but that didn’t mean I didn’t feel anger, rage, hurt, disgust, confusion, revulsion about what was done to me. I sure did but had nowhere to go with those feelings.

An added complication is that as a Christian I’ve been taught anger was a ‘bad’ thing and it was ‘sinful’ to express anger. A good Christian woman is submissive. But hang on my bible tells me anger in itself is an emotion like any other. My understanding is that it’s misdirected anger that causes problems, not anger alone. My bible also tells me of the man Jesus who saved HIS strongest language for those who abused, manipulated and controlled people in the society HE lived in. HE was full of love and compassion for those in need, and towards those who came to HIM for help. But HE wasn’t backwards about coming forwards when it came to confronting those who tried to prevent people coming to HIM and those who made life unbearable for other people, especially the religious leaders at that time.

Guess what, I’ve got a lot of anger in me and this is the first time I’ve addressed this subject. So here’s my first attempt at expressing my anger.

~ I am very angry about what my abusers did to me
~ I am very angry at the damage done to my life
~ I am very angry that thanks to my abusers I’ve had no life up until now
~ I am very angry when I hear of other people’s experiences of abuse and domestic violence
~ I get very angry towards those who abuse, manipulate and control, whatever the context
~ I’m really angry at the way God and Christianity were misrepresented to me by my abusers and other Christians, including the issues of anger, grief, forgiveness, forgetting about it + putting it behind you as if it never happened etc – and about all the hurt, problems and confusion those misrepresentations [in some cases ‘brainwashing’] have caused me
~ I am angry about the false beliefs about the normality of the abuse that I was brainwashed with by my abusers
~ I am angry about the false beliefs about my lack of value and worth as a human being, as a female, and as a person that I was brainwashed with by my abusers
~ I am angry that I was not allowed to have or express my own feelings and opinions throughout all the years I was abused and about how hard it is for me even now to express my feelings, thoughts, opinions, ask questions etc
~ I am absolutely furious with the justice system in this country - a justice system that cares more about the perpetrators than their victims and isn't about bringing perpetrators to justice. A justice system which paid more attention and gave greater weight to the lies, defiance and denials of my abusers than it did to MY evidence, MY witness impact statements, and other witnesses is no justice system in my book.
~ I am very angry that the guilty walk free because they lied and I cannot prove they abused me "beyond all reasonable doubt" to Crown Prosecution Lawyers. The police were in no doubt, the professionals are in no doubt about the seriousness of what happened - my police file is thick with evidence - but smart ****** lawyers said "there is no evidence". I've been seriously let down by the UK justice system. And I am ************ furious about it. There are no words for the fury I feel and for how betrayed I feel by our so called justice system. It's no wonder people take the law into their own hands.
~ I am angry that my abusers’ threats kept me silent, afraid and isolated for nearly a quarter of a century
~ I’m angry about all I lost and the childhood I never had
~ I’m angry that I cannot have any kind of relationship, sexual or non sexual, because of the abuse
~ I’m angry about all my abusers robbed from me that I can never ever get back
~ I’m angry about the wrong choices of my abusers which have so screwed up my life
~ I’m angry that my abusers choose to continue to live their lives in lies, denials and delusion while my shattered life can only be lived in the truth of the horrors they subjected me to
~ I’m angry that my abusers created this mess but I’m the one who has to do the work to heal and clean it all up

Why did I write this blog today?

Well I got in touch with my anger today. I got in touch with it for two reasons.

Firstly I read over the weekend an absolutely phenomenal blog post on the “Emerging From Broken” blog site written by an abuse survivor lifting the lid on anger and exploring healthy anger.

You can read it at http://emergingfrombroken.com/memoirs-of-a-mad-survivor-by-patty-hite/.

I read the article several times before I commented on it. I didn’t know what I was going to type in response until I began typing. If I thought I was going to type a theoretical response I was in for a shock because instead of a nice tidy thought out response, anger spilled out of me through my fingers on to the screen in front of me and I saw my anger there in black and white before me.

The second reason is that Monday is therapy day. It is the day I have one hour with my therapist to work on the abuse. Today was my second session with her and although we both acknowledged that I skirted around the details and shrunk back from talking about the sexual abuse which I was remembering so vividly - I did get in touch with the confusion and hurt that little 3-year old girl felt.

As I did so I began to get angry, very angry! I felt angry for that little girl who was so let down and betrayed. I also felt immense anger talking about the devastating effect the abuse has had upon my life.

At this stage I’m not even tapping into the rage which resides deep within me. This is surface anger, surface rage. What I feel deep inside goes beyond words.

Anger is a totally different issue to forgiveness but too many people misrepresent forgiveness as being a magic thing which stops you being angry and solves all your problems. But that’s just total garbage. Forgiveness is many things but it doesn’t magically get rid of the anger and grief about what happened. Anger and bitterness also get mixed up too. And after all no one wants to be thought of as an 'angry bitch'. But all these emotions need to be acknowledged and processed.

Anger is what drives me for justice.

Anger at the devastation I see in my own life is what drives me in my quest to heal.

Anger at the lies that have kept me in prison all these years is what drives me to speak out the truth and keep speaking it out.

Anger is an essential part of being human, and gosh, I didn’t realise how angry I was before I began typing.

As I already said, I aint begun to connect with the deep rage inside BUT one day I will and well that’s going to be interesting!!


Susan said...

Getting in touch with our anger is core to finding freedom Fi....thanks for sharing how you are finding yours!


Yes, I was a little ambushed by that anger today!!!

pattygalloway said...

hoorahhh! on getting that out...you speak exactly what Im going through, and have been going through for years....truth be told, I am an angry lil bitch..;) but i'm working on it...Im angry at the list of violations ...not to mention the violations that havent even surfaced yet...here I am in my mid 40's still working at healing realizing I'm not going to leave this planet totaly free from what has been done to me..There will always be something more for me to deal with...Im angry alright! the rage is one thing I fear the most in myself...I identify w/you 110%...Why is it so hard for people to talk about the anger/rage???....It does exist!..it almost seems as if people sweep it under the carpet, as though we shouldnt be angry...thankyou for this..I realy wish the best in your recovery...;)


Thanks Patty... it's taken me till 44 to be able to begin to address the events of my childhood... I think too that there'll always be something more to deal with... I don't think I'll ever be totally free from all that happened... so many violations... so many betrayals... so much... it goes on and on... but I'd rather be working on it that squishing it down and trying to live as if it wasn't there... I know which is the healthier way... all the best for you in your quest for healing too!

Anonymous said...

ya it sure is a catch 22...aint it??? ...i agree, it is best to deal with it or eles... it will work its way into doing even more damage/harm onto the next generations etc...I've already seen the evidence in that...truth be told I cant squish it anymore, I know too much, I think once you get to a certain place there is no turning back anymore cause you know its there waiting for you! sending signals out to let you know it wants to be heard...Well, I jsut hope this anger is what get us all motivated to keep doing what we are doing, spread the word, awareness, and hopefully we can save lives & promote healing....:) thanks so much Fi your an angel..;)


Hi Anon

Yes I know what you mean about getting to a certain place where there is no turning back anymore. It finds it's way to the surface eventually!!

I reached a point in my life where I could no longer tolerate the damage all this has done to my life and I had to do something to try and prevent the rest of my life being destroyed by it.

It is a hard choice to heal - but I think when you reach that certain point you realise you have no choice but to do whatever it takes to heal.

Thanks for your comment and all the best with your journey.

Nik Stone said...

I know you don't know me however I followed the link to your blog from Emerging from Broken's owner Darlene and I am glad I did!
I totally understand I to have been going through a very deep process with my anger and to be honest it is a deep running river in my soul. I am tired of having to face the truth and clean up the mess that I did not cause and it seems all the while the ones who did this doesn't have to come to terms with anything. I am tired of having to be the one who is understanding to others feelings whereas mine is discounted or trampled on.

And I am totally ticked off at how the word of God has been misrepresented to me and at how many years I had no clue that God did not condone what was being done to me. It was so much so that by the time I was 18 I had turn my back on God and ended up landing myself in situations that were more dreadful.

However I am thankful that even though I did so by the grace of God I am still here..

I can totally relate to your blog post in so many ways thank you for your honesty and I am truly sorry that you have had to go through these things.

Anonymous said...

I'm 57 and still working through all what happened to me.....so much to work through!

My heart goes out to you. I resonate with everything you say ..... especially the "Christian" messages about forgiveness dissolving anger, pain, woundedness, confusion, etc. That's the most hurtful, harmful and damaging teaching ever! It's simply not true!
Soldiers don't get over their PTSD by forgiving anyone. They still cringe inside when the airplanes fly overhead.
I want to stretch my arms across the ocean and wrap them around you and hold you close, like the Jesus in me wants to hold you.
I just today asked God yet one more time how he could have allowed all that if He truly loved me. His reply to my heart was I loved Jesus....and loved him fiercely. I didn't spare Him. He suffered not for his own sins, but for those of others. Maybe what happened to me wasn't so much about me as it is about helping a hurting world.


Hi Nik, thanks for your comment, I can so relate to that anger about having to clean up a mess you didn't create while those who did carry on with their lives like nothing happened. It is tiring and it does take a lot of energy. I'm so thankful you're still here by the grace of God and glad my blog has helped and encouraged you. I'm sorry for the awful stuff you've had to go through. It's great to hear from you!


Hi Arja

Thanks for your comment.

It takes so long to work through all this stuff doesn't it?

I'm only at the very beginning of the journey and trying not to look ahead to far because otherwise I shrink back at the enormity of the task facing me.

I cannot believe that what happened to me was all about a bigger picture of "my hurt will help other's who are hurting". But I can accept that as a byproduct of my own journey.

God did not want the abuse to happen to me or planned it that way. HE hated it even more than I did. But HE can use my hurt and my honesty in processing that to help others. And with that I'm happy, but I don't see that as being the reason for why it happened or as the purpose for my life.

The only reason I was abused was not because it was all part of a bigger plan but ONLY because my abusers chose to do that. It was their choice to behave that way. Pity they haven't got the balls to face up to the consequences of their wrong choices.

And now God is helping me see things from HIS viewpoint and helping me process these really painful things. We can help a hurting world from our place of hurt - only if we choose to - but that is not the reason why we were hurt. We were hurt because human beings chose to hurt us and go against the way God would have had them behave towards us.

Putting the blame squarely where it lies has been fundamental to me being able to move forward with all these issues.

It's great to hear from you! I wish you well in your quest for healing.

Linda said...

I posted a comment yesterday and was wondering if it got to you. I am trying to start opening up but I don't want my post going out into space somewhere. My name is Linda, this is important to me.


Hi Linda, pleased to meet you. I don't know what happened to yesterday's comment, I certainly didn't get it, but I this one came through to me ok.

Linda said...

Hi Princess, I don't know what happened but glad to know I made a connection with you. I wrote about how brave I think you are to be able to express your anger. I can't seem to get past sadness and depression. I have not been able to speak out about my many years of abuse. I endured sexual, physical and emotional abuse from so many different people throughout my life I had always felt that it must have been my fault this continuously happened to me. Because of this way of thinking, I have never been able to feel worthy of anger. I just felt I must have in some way brought it on myself. After having repeated flashbacks I finally remembered that as far as I know my abuse started as sexual at the age of 2-3 yrs. old. I so need to speak out at this point in my life because I am now an older adult with all of this bottled up inside and have no idea how to start healing. I frequent the abuse prevention site on facebook but have not been able to speak out. Most of the people there are so much further along in their healing process than I. Thanks for getting back with me and again I admire your ability to let your anger out.


Hi Linda, I'm so glad with connected and that you've found my site. I feel we've walked similar paths. I was abused by multiple abusers over a 20-year period - sexually, physically, emotionally and psychologically. My earliest memory of sexual abuse is age 3. I'm struggled with depression and self blame all my life. I thought it was all my fault too, that there must have been something really bad about me and of course my abusers told me they had to do it to me because I was so bad.

I began this site 21/2 years ago as a way to begin to tell the truth of my life. And it just grew from there. But I still was struggling with deep depression etc. It was this time last year I realised I was going to have to do something because otherwise I was going to be another life lost to abuse.

Various things combined to get me to the point where I just had to disclose to the police earlier this year. Although I have not got justice through the legal system I now have professional support,

Though I've done much healing - spiritually speaking - over the last 2 years - and am now able to see that the abuse was never about me but about my abusers, the wrong choices they made and their need to control, manipulate etc. Once I was able to put the blame squarely where it lies - on the shoulders of my abusers - then I was able to take a step back and see the abuse differently.

I still struggle with self-blame to an extent because it went so deep, guilt which again belongs with my abusers not me and shame - that's a real biggie for me - but again the shame belongs with my abusers and not me,

But it's all a process, a journey, little steps here, little steps there.

I am really at the very beginning of my journey to heal. I have only just begun therapy and have years of work ahead of me.

I've found immense support and encouragement through two facebook pages - Emerging from Broken and Overcoming Sexual Abuse. They are excellently run and are really good safe supportive environments where people are safe to vent, explore, ask questions, be real, be who they are, how they are. I'd encourage you to link up with them. They also have websites too.

I was silent for a quarter of a century after my abuse ended. And only just during the last few months have I begun to be honest and real about what happened to me, how it has totally devastated my life and to be honest and real about my struggles with depression, anger and so on.

Since disclosing to the police I've been able to find my voice and to take it back now and I will not be silenced. I hope and pray you'll find ways to take your voice back too. You made a start commenting to me - that was a HUGE step.

I hope you find hope through my words. There is a way through all this stuff. It's a hard road but you're not alone.

Connecting up with other survivors through the facebook pages and associated websites has made such a difference to me.

You've shown much bravery in choosing to connect and share with me. I wish you well in your quest to heal and find ways to deal with the depression and anger and discover for yourself that it was never your fault and it was never about you.

Thanks for coming by and saying hi and sharing part of your life with me, that took a lot of courage.

Linda said...

Glad to here back fom you, although you are all the way across the ocean from me, your compassion and understanding brought you so very close at heart.I think it really does help to talk to others that have endured the same types of abuse.

You mentioned the other sites were places where I could be myself. The only thing about that is, and you may relate, I don't know who that is. I honestly never formed an identity. I just drifted through life, and I really mean "drift", I have always felt disattached.

Thank you for sharing with me, I hope the best for you.


Hi Linda, it's great to hear back from you!

I understand, I know how that feels. I don't know who the real 'me' is either.

The only person I can be is whoever and whatever I am right now. If that is a broken person, then that is me. If I'm in denial today then I'm in denial. If I'm feeling really chirpy and positive right now then that is who I am.

I have no sense of who I really am. My identity was systematically stripped away from me by my abusers from a very tiny age.

But little by little as I open up and share a little bit more. As I write more and explore more and begin to see my childhood from new perspectives I begin to realise that the 'real me' has been shrouded in layers of shame, hurt, blame, degradation and trauma.

I have hope that I'll finally get to her - to me - and we'll connect and I'll find an identity beyond all the abuse.

That is my hope and I wish it for you too. All the best with your journey. So glad to be of help to you.

Princess Fi said...

Linda said...

Hello Fi, just wanted to check in on you and see how you are doing.

I have read all of your blogs and have enjoyed following some of your link, especially the youtube called "Inheritance". I go to it daily. The love Jesus has for me is so felt through this video, absolutely amazing.

We actually have a lot in common. I am also Catholic, love football, went back to school to get a degree later in life (Nursing) and also worked with youth (high school).

Through your blogs I see that you travel at Christmas, will you be doing that this year? If so I guess you are getting prepared for your trip. They sound like a lot of fun. Better than being alone that’s for sure.

Well, just wanted to say hi and let you know I was thinking about you. Best wishes, Linda

14 December 2010 04:58

Princess Fi said...

Hi Linda, thanks for dropping by, I'm doing fine thanks. Yes, I am looking forward to going away, this time next week I'll be on my way to Dover. I have lovely Christmas times away, it sure beats being alone. I love my trips and I love being in the mountains of the high Alps with my cameras.

I am not Catholic. actually have a lot of problems with Roman Catholicism because of stuff I experienced as a child. I was brought up in the Anglican church.

But I don't identify myself as anything but someone who loves Jesus and who's life belongs completely to Jesus.

It's really nice to hear from you. Have you visited my other sites yet? I have a poetry site and an autobiographical one too.

This site will be changing in January. When I legally change my name in January "You Can Fly With Broken Wings" will be going to a new URL that hasn't got my name in it. I'm in the process of setting the blog up. It be the same just at a different address with a new look.

Have a great day.