It’s funny how you get triggered sometimes.
Today for instance this afternoon I log on to Facebook and I see on my wall a really fun thing.
“Change your profile picture to one of your favourite childhood cartoon characters and invite your friends to do the same. The purpose of the game? To not see any human faces on Facebook until Monday. Only an invasion of memories!” The cause:- raising awareness of child abuse.
That’s a great fun idea!
But for me it was fraught with danger.
As I read that I experienced an onslaught of emotions and memories which aren’t full of fun and happiness. I felt immense sadness about the childhood I never had. I never had any childhood heroes or knew of any cartoons, nor did I hear any nursery rhymes or have favourite bedtime stories. I had no childhood period!
Sometimes I can say or think that without any feelings or reactions at all.
But today – hmm – that’s not the case!
As soon as I saw that I thought “oh I can’t join in with that cos I had no childhood heroes or favourite cartoon characters. Those ‘normal’ childhood things never were part of my childhood”.
As I was reminded of that I got hit by a deluge of grief, deep sadness and mixed in there was some rage too. Rage and sadness about the childhood I never had. The childhood I was robbed of, and the childhood ‘things and experiences’ I was robbed of too. Along with that came an avalanche of memories – not good memories. I don’t welcome that invasion of memories.
I guess just writing this and acknowledging what I felt and thought is progress.
Not so long ago I would have shut down and withdrawn into myself and not come out for a few days. So hey, so what if this is my reaction to that fun thing on Facebook?
It hurts like crazy that I had no childhood and can’t join in with such a simple thing. After all – it is my reaction - and it matters!
I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!