Journeying towards the point of no return for me began when I looked honestly at my life, the damage and the dysfunction and took stock. I realised I’d spent 20 years living in an utterly horrific family situation. Then I’d spent the next 24 years trying to live with the terrible things done to me and just surviving for the sake of it. But no matter what I did I could not get past the horror that was the first 20 years of my life.
The trauma followed me round like a ghost. Shadowy ghosts that refused to go away accompanied quite often with a stinking corpse all followed me around and stifled my movements, my voice and my hopes.
Fear stalked me, a constant companion, along with depressive episode after depressive episode. There seemed to be no hope and no escape, I could not seem to get past what had been done to me.
Towards the end of 2009 I realised I’d lost a shed load of my life to the abuse and if something didn’t give my entire life would be lost to the abuse. Something had to change but I didn’t know what to do, where to begin. I was at a loss to know how to change the situation I was in. I just knew I had to do something. I refused to be yet another life lost to abuse.
Over the years I’ve wondered many times how different my life could have been if I had had a different childhood. But I realised that wasn’t helping me either because then I’d just get angry and depressed at all that was stolen from me and the life I've not been able to have because of it. I’d go to a really dark place that was very hard to get out of.
As 2010 began I knew I was going to have to do something but didn’t know where to turn for help or what to do. Then the article in the Whitehaven News was published on 27th Jan inviting people who’d been sexually abused in childhood to speak to the police because the police really want to bring offenders to justice, even historical ones. The crucial thing was the article printed a phone number to call. I knew I had to follow it up. I knew that was what I needed. I knew that phone number was my way in but it took 6 long weeks for me to find the courage to call that number.
I had reached my point of no return. Life was never going to be the same after that.
After the stress and trauma of the past year I’ve reached a point where I'm not prepared to lose much more to the abuse. That is why I had to speak out. That is why I'm choosing to do whatever it takes to heal.
Actually I realised I really had no choice. When I was given the choice late in November to walk away from the help being offered or to take the risk and begin therapy and the long road to healing I realised that actually I had no choice.
In fact, if anything by choosing to make that phone call I’d made the decision to do whatever it took to get to a point where I’m no longer being followed around by a stinking corpse and shadowy ghosts of the past that refuse to go away.
That is where I’m at now. I see what I’m doing as an investment.
Every time I speak out I am depositing into that investment. Every time I write about my experiences I am depositing into that investment.
I know it’s going to take a long time to rewire my brain, my belief systems, to expose the lies and replace them with truth. I know it’s going to be tough – really tough – excruciating at times to expose the hurt and pain – but it really helps me to think of everything I do in order to do that as an investment.
One day, I don’t know when, but someday in the future somewhere I’ll begin to cash in that investment. But for now I’m just gonna keep on investing a little here and a little there, focusing on building up that nest egg which one day will be worth far more than I can possibly imagine.
I am making an investment for a future I cannot see now but believe is there the other side of all this stuff!
I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!