When I look at my life I get angry when I see the powerlessness and hopelessness I lived in all these years. I really thought there was nothing I could do about the horror that was my life because I believed the lies of my abusers that I deserved it all and deserved nothing else.
When I look at my life I get angry at the damage and dysfunction I see. Damage and dysfunction I didn’t cause but I have to work extremely hard at to repair. And that gets me really angry. It’s all so unfair.
When I look at my life and wonder about what might have been had I had a different childhood I get angry.
When I look at my life and see the fear I’ve lived under. The fear of not being believed if I ever told, the fear of what would happen if I ever told. How all my life I’ve been afraid of everyone and everything; afraid of myself; afraid of the anger and hurt inside. That fear has so paralysed me and that gets me angry.
When I look at my life now I realise I’ve spoken out, been believed and nothing bad has happened to me as a result. I’ve not got justice and that gets me angry. My abusers have not been exposed and that gets me angry.
When I look at my life now I realise I now have support and I’m so thankful for the professional women who are part of my life now. That gives me hope.
When I look at my life now I realise I have the power and support to change things. That gives me hope.
When I look at my life now I realise I’m beginning to see the lies for what they are and am beginning to slowly replace them with truth. That gives me hope.
So when I look at my life now I have hope that I’ll navigate a way all the anger, hurt, disappointment, lies, powerlessness and fear.
So when I look at my life now I have hope. That’s very precious after all these years of hopelessness and powerlessness.