I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. Without God's intervention in my life I wouldn't be here - NOW is the time for me to tell MY story by speaking the TRUTH about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being restored. This blog has helped me begin to get my voice back and documents the journey God is taking me on to heal me from the trauma and damage caused by that most appalling abuse.

Saturday, 18 December 2010

WHEN I LOOK AT MY LIFE


When I look at my life I get angry when I see the powerlessness and hopelessness I lived in all these years. I really thought there was nothing I could do about the horror that was my life because I believed the lies of my abusers that I deserved it all and deserved nothing else.

When I look at my life I get angry at the damage and dysfunction I see. Damage and dysfunction I didn’t cause but I have to work extremely hard at to repair. And that gets me really angry. It’s all so unfair.

When I look at my life and wonder about what might have been had I had a different childhood I get angry.

When I look at my life and see the fear I’ve lived under. The fear of not being believed if I ever told, the fear of what would happen if I ever told. How all my life I’ve been afraid of everyone and everything; afraid of myself; afraid of the anger and hurt inside. That fear has so paralysed me and that gets me angry.

When I look at my life now I realise I’ve spoken out, been believed and nothing bad has happened to me as a result. I’ve not got justice and that gets me angry. My abusers have not been exposed and that gets me angry.

When I look at my life now I realise I now have support and I’m so thankful for the professional women who are part of my life now. That gives me hope.

When I look at my life now I realise I have the power and support to change things. That gives me hope.

When I look at my life now I realise I’m beginning to see the lies for what they are and am beginning to slowly replace them with truth. That gives me hope.

So when I look at my life now I have hope that I’ll navigate a way all the anger, hurt, disappointment, lies, powerlessness and fear.

So when I look at my life now I have hope. That’s very precious after all these years of hopelessness and powerlessness.


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