Someone planted a seed in my mind yesterday - a concept that blew me away.
I was at a meeting to discuss the next step in my healing and the role of group therapy which will come 2-4 years in the future after I’ve done extensive individual therapy. The meeting was drawing to a close when she said "I wish you well in your healing and recovery, you deserve to heal, you deserve to recover".
I remember sitting there staring at her open mouthed and speechless. I heard myself stutter “what do you mean?” She repeated the statement. I continued to sit and stare at her thinking “she doesn’t know me, she doesn’t know how bad I am, I’m used goods, I don’t deserve nothing.” She leaned forward and looked me straight in the eyes and said “you didn’t deserve any of that, you deserve to have a life, YOU deserve to fully recover”. She spoke with incredible gentleness as I stared at her in total confusion not knowing how to respond.
What a concept - I deserve to heal? I deserve to recover? Whoa that's one huge concept to take on board!!
I’d never have thought of it that way.
For me healing is about taking my life back. Healing is about finding a way through and out the other side of the damage and dysfunction in my life. Healing is about starting over. Healing is about stopping merely existing, merely staying alive for the sake of it and actually starting to live somehow. Healing became a necessity. Healing had to happen because the pain was destroying me. I just had to begin the work to heal. I had no choice. It had to happen. But now I have another perspective on it – and it used the word “deserve”.
The word ‘deserve’ is such a loaded word for me. From a tiny age I was told I deserved everything done to me because I was a girl... because I was so bad... because they said so, because... well just because. So to turn the word ‘deserve’ into a more positive word is a really big thing to do.
I always believed I deserved it all. I always believed I deserved no better. I believed I wasn’t worth any better. I believed I got the life I deserved. It was natural for me to never consider myself deserving or worthy of anything but a shattered life.
But actually the truth is I DID NOT deserve any of that abuse. NONE OF IT! The abuse was NEVER about me. It was about MY ABUSERS, THEIR decisions, THEIR attitudes and THEIR choices.
Now I’m beginning to realise all that I’m starting to place the blame where it actually lies – with my abusers NOT me, NEVER me – there is a change happening inside. I’m beginning to see the lies and collusion. I’m beginning to see my childhood with new eyes.
Now I have a huge challenge. That challenge is to believe, to truly believe, deep inside that I really do deserve to heal; to recover; to get my life back; to live a life beyond depression, trauma, dysfunction, shame and hurt.
I can’t grasp it yet but at least it’s focused my mind on something positive!
I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!