2010 has been a momentous year for me. It’s also been one of the most difficult and most painful years I’ve lived through.
The twists and turns the year took. The injustice heaped on injustice. The risks I took. I never could have foreseen what was ahead. I would never have believed it if someone had told me what I’d do during 2010. I’d never have believed it if someone had told me what would result from telling. I would never have believed I’d ever tell. I would have said “no way”. I’d never have believed I’d find the courage to go to the police and report my abusers. I would never have expected to be believed. But somehow I found the guts to pick up that phone and say “I was abused and tortured by my family over a 20 year-period until Jan 1986”.
I did not expect the non-accountable British Judicial system to protect my abusers and refuse to charge them with any crime whatsoever. I did not expect the cover up that then ensued. I did not expect I’d have to make a formal complaint about the way my case was handled. I did not expect I’d have to make a formal complaint about a certain police officer’s attitude and way of speaking to me. I did not expect to be driven to the point of suicide 3 times because of bungled phone calls from the police. I did not expect to give the police leads for them to not follow them and miss vital evidence and witnesses as a result.
I did not expect any of these things the day I found the courage to pick up that phone.
I expected once I’d reported my abusers they’d be exposed and brought to account in some way. Instead they weren’t exposed and they got away with it scot free because of their defiance, lies and denials. Oh and yes, they can get on with their lives now as if nothing happened while mine was ripped apart by the sheer injustice of it all. The British Judicial system is a total heap of crap which cares more about the criminals than it does about the welfare of the victims of crime.
But the strangest thing of all is how picking up the phone and reporting my abusers opened the door to professional help and therapy. I’ve been banging hard on that door for many years and getting nowhere but through going to the police suddenly the door swings open before me. And I’m left standing in front of the door shaking my head at the bizarreness of that.
I did not expect to reach 2011 and find that over 9000 people have visited my blog “You Can Fly With Broken Wings”. I did not expect to reach 2011 and to have my entire Autobiography online in its own dedicated blog. Nor did I expect to reach 2011 with my entire Anthology of Poetry online in its own blog too. But that is what has happened. Blogging the truth of my life is the most healing thing I have done in 2010.
I did not expect to find a community of real genuine caring survivors on the internet and Facebook but I have. Wow what a difference they’ve made to my life. That is the second most healing thing I’ve done in 2010.
As I type I hear fireworks going off. I hear “Auld Lang Syne” from the pub across the road. I realise the year is turning. As I realise that my thoughts turn forwards and I find myself looking ahead rather than backwards.
I never liked New Year’s Eve. I never liked the changing of the year. “Auld Lang Syne” always makes me cry for reasons I dunno... I’ll probably never know why it does except that it does. I never liked the “Happy New Year” wishes that pass around. “Happy New Year” always sounded empty and felt hollow to me. Why? Because... well because it’s just another year to survive somehow. It’s another year to do whatever it takes just to get through. It’s another year of living with the horror of my past. It’s another year of staying alive just for the sake of staying alive. It’s another year of hurt, pain and aloneness. It’s another year which will be full of painful reminders of what was, what hasn’t been and what can never be because of the abuse.
I always try to hope somewhere inside that this year will be better than the one that just preceded it but being honest I never really can believe it will.
How do you get past all that horror and actually get to have a life? How do you get past all the destruction and dysfunction? Is there a way?
I dunno but I guess there is because I’m getting to know some people who have made it through and out the other side.
I don’t expect any answers because I know there aren’t any easy answers. I don’t expect an easy ride because life’s never been like that. I hope I’ll be able to look back in a year’s time and not look back on a year spent going round in never ending circles but will see some progress and some healing.
Maybe I’ll be able to see some reason to hope. Maybe I’ll finally see some light at the end of the tunnel - light which is real light and not just an express train coming right at me. Maybe as I continue to speak the truth and refuse to be silenced in any way shape or form, hope will take root, the lightness will brightness and the darkness lessen so the shadows won’t tease me so bad.
One thing is for sure... now I’ve found my voice I aint gonna be silenced by anyone. I know it don’t look too pretty at times. I know it don’t sound too pretty at times either. My life is frankly an awful mess and cleaning up messes isn’t pretty work. BUT it’s worthwhile work if I can stop being followed around by the stinking corpses and the rattling ghosts of my past and find some peace, real peace deep inside.
I already feel less fragmented just from speaking the truth and keeping on speaking the truth. That offshoot of telling really surprises me! I’ve really begun to relate to the little frightened insecure child inside of me and she’s slowly begun to trust me. Now that’s incredible.
Somewhere inside me there is the belief that things can only get better from here on. It might be the tiniest speck of hope, but it’s there and it’s tangible.
So here’s to a year of speaking more truth and refusing to be sidetracked or silenced by those who made be made uncomfortable by the truth that is my life and my life’s history. Here’s to believing there is a way through all of this stuff. Here’s to believing things can only get better now. Here’s to believing healing is possible. Here’s to believing recovering is possibly. Here’s to believing I will get my life back. I will reach that point where I can nod my head, smile and say “YES only part of my life was destroyed by what they did, not all of it”
So yeah, “I’ll drink a cup of kindness yet for the sake of Auld Lang Syne” for I’ve been shown much kindness in 2010 when I stop and think about it. I’ve been able to reach out and show much kindness too. Kindness came into my life in 2010 in a way I could not have foreseen. Oh and kindness brought light and hope along for the ride too. Yes I have hope as I begin 2011. I have hope for a future I never believed was possible. I have hope for a life ahead not just a mere existence.
So I thank 2010 for the lessons I learned and the courage I found during that year... and I begin 2011 with hope I never had and never believed I’d ever have.