I’ve been without a laptop for a few weeks which is why I’ve not been able to post. My laptop is still away for repair but I managed to get to my local library to post this as I was concerned it may look like I’ve abandoned my blog – not so, just technical issues prevent me from posting as I would like.
The last few weeks have been really interesting.
Following the Christmas break I’ve been seeing my counsellor regularly once a week and slowly building a relationship with her. I had 7 sessions with her before Christmas and have now had 7 sessions since the Christmas break.
I left the last session feeling that my relationship with her is beginning to feel like a safe space. I know she is not going to mock me, belittle me or put me down. I also left the session feeling that I am on the brink of actually being able to talk about the abuse which I’ve shrunk back from in all our sessions up until now. So I felt I’d really made progress.
I also left the last session feeling really wobbly. This was because my counsellor explained that her role has changed and she won’t be able to see me as regularly and frequently as she has been doing. That really wobbled me.
I felt “why is it that now I’ve found something which is really working, really helping and really good, someone moves the goal posts and it gets changed”?
I wish that wouldn’t happen and kind of feel like other things or people are suddenly being prioritised over the important work we were doing together and the progress we were making. It’s so annoying and feels outside of my control and well actually it is outside of my control and that makes it harder. I feel like saying “I wish you would prioritise this work as much as I do” but kind of feel it’s not ok to say that because my counsellor probably feels as frustrated as I do.
I’m feeling the “don’t say anything, don’t make a fuss, don’t make waves, just be thankful you’ve got some help” stuff which is all about “crumbs was all I was brainwashed to accept so crumbs is what you have to accept”. It’s also about how saying anything about how this development is affecting me is not ok because it wasn’t ok to say anything when something happened that wasn’t good or nice when I was a child. I just had to take what was happening because that was just how things were and if I did say anything I’d get punished and they’d just escalate the abuse.
Now I’m an adult I have the right to speak up and say I’m not feeling ok about this development. But actually doing that is a scary thing but I’m going to have to say something at my next session to be able to move on.
I realise how stuck in those old patterns and of thinking and reacting I am. Also, I realise how hard it’s going to be start to realise I don’t have to stay within those patterns.
It feels very scary and risky but I know a large part of healing from the abuse is recognising the old damaging patterns of thinking, feeling, responding, reacting and surviving – and changing them to more healthy ones. The point is - if I can’t achieve that within the healing therapeutic relationship then I really aint going to be able to manage in any other area of my life.
So there is only one REAL way forward and that’s to take a risk in my next session and find a way of discussing the issues without getting defensive or protective, but just be open and trust my counsellor to work through it with me and not react like my abusers would have reacted to me. I guess that’s the nub of it – I keep expecting her to react to me like my abusers did but she doesn’t.
And that’s one huge learning curve for me!