On Monday I did something so painful and so hard that I am amazed I actually managed to do it. I said "adios" to a very special and very important person in my life.
I said "adios" to my SARC support worker. "G" had seen me through so much. As she herself said “I have seen you at your worst and I have seen you somehow come back from that and come back stronger, I know just how bad it’s been over the last few months, and you are so incredibly strong and resilient”.
When I first met "G" I didn’t know why on earth I was seeing her. I didn’t think she’d believe me and I didn’t think I’d be seeing her for long. It took me a long time to trust her but in the end I fully trusted her. I allowed her to see the real me. I cried in front of her. And that is a real biggie - to feel so safe that I could cry in front of her. I was able to be fully me with her - and that was so liberating and healing. I could be fully honest with her. Wow!
Her role was to see me through the legal process, to guide and support me to the conclusion of the legal side of things. With the case dismissed her role with me ended.
That was so hard. I had developed such a rapport with her. We worked so well together. I learned so much from her. She was so incredibly gentle in her manner, in her speech and in her way of dealing with me and also deeply compassionate. Those are the two things I will remember most about her – gentleness – compassion. When someone responds to you with compassion it changes you. I’d never come across such compassion in a human being until I met "G". Her gentleness and her compassion changed me. Her compassion broke through my defences. We had a wonderful working relationship and I miss her.
It had taken me 3 months to get to the point of accepting that our relationship was over and I had to move on. On 3 previous occasions I'd said to myself “this is it, I’m going to say goodbye today” but I couldn’t do it. It hurt so much. It hurt too much. I didn’t want something which was so good, so positive and so healing to end. It seemed totally crazy for me to walk away from someone who had helped me so much, someone who I’d let in to see the real me, someone who I totally trusted and felt totally at ease with. "G" was the first person in my life who had had that place in my life. I had not thought such a relationship possible for me.
I knew it was time because we had agreed a timescale. I knew it was time because every time we met we’d be talking about what had happened and re-opening that wound. We had nothing else to talk about but what had happened and how I was going to pick up the pieces and move on.
I desperately wanted to carry on working with "G" but her role was over. There was so much good work we could have done together. But our time was up. She knew it and I knew it. It had to come from me too because otherwise it would have felt like a rejection.
Somehow I found the strength to be honest with her and tell her exactly what I was feeling and how hard it was for me to say goodbye and walk away. She responded with honesty about how she saw me and what she saw in me.
So I found the strength and the courage to say "adios" and walk away. It was the hardest most painful thing I’ve ever done. It’s tearing me apart writing this. It’s excruciatingly painful, I miss her already. But time to move on and trust "K" and let "K" in somehow.