I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. Without God's intervention in my life I wouldn't be here - NOW is the time for me to tell MY story by speaking the TRUTH about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being restored. This blog has helped me begin to get my voice back and documents the journey God is taking me on to heal me from the trauma and damage caused by that most appalling abuse.

Sunday, 20 March 2011

PROGRESSION

The last couple of months have been very hard going at times. There have been times of immense pain, isolation, vulnerability, growth, discovery but always progressing.

Changing my name was an interesting experience. It wasn’t anything like I expected it to be, although I don’t quite know how I expected it to be. It was enormously liberating to take that decision and make that change, but at the same time it was enormously painful to do. I’m very glad I did it though and I’m feeling much safer and freer as a result. 

I deactivated my old Facebook account last weekend, one month later than I'd intended to. The delay was due to my laptop needing to be repaired which took me offline for a while but also because I found it really hard to deactivate the account. The old account was under my old name and was my first forage into the social networking side of the internet. Deactivating it was just as hard as changing my name by Deed Poll. I was really surprised how hard I found it to make the change, to leave the old name and my old identity behind. I think part of the problem is that I don't really know who I am yet. I've yet to figure that out.

Therapy wise I’ve been making slow but gradual and increasingly marked progress. It may surprise you to know three months in that I’ve not yet been able to talk explicitly about the abuse. I have talked around it but have not yet been able to break my silence on the details. It is turning out to be very hard, much harder that I imagined. Getting over the hurdle of the first time I tell in detail is proving really difficult. I know I can talk about that stuff but there’s still a lot of fear of what will happen when I do and I keep coming up against a huge wall of shame. That is the biggest obstacle to get over. That shame is very powerful. The only way through it is the way of risk and the only way through risk is getting more and more secure in the counselling relationship I have with ‘K’.

I’ve been slowly building a rapport with ‘K’ and I now know that she is safe, that I’m safe with her and that it is ok to be me with her. That for me is the biggest progress yet. What I’m discovering is that I was not abused in a vacuum and I’m not going to be able to talk about it in a vacuum. I have to build confidence with ‘K’ but also within myself that talking about it is ok.

I’ve been dealing with some very strong emotions lately. A couple of weeks ago I discovered anger, white hot rage. A lot of memories and very powerful emotions were triggered and took some handling. I self-harmed very badly last weekend as an expression of the deep pain, anger and rage I was experiencing. I nearly lost my voice last weekend shouting at things around my flat as the rage poured out of me. I then went from feeling immense anger and rage to total numbness. I got to a point where I was hurting so much that I could not contain the hurt and pain and switched off to a numb place. To begin with it was nice to go to a place where I was not feeling, hurting or remembering but after a short while I began to recognise it was not a healthy place to be. So I began to read parts of The Courage to Heal book and did some of the writing exercises in there and that helped me begin to move out of that numb place.

Last Monday ‘K’ said to me during our session “you have every right to be angry, can you see that you have a right to be angry?” My response was “I understand why I’m angry and what that’s all about but no I don’t see that I have a right to be angry.” We discussed why that was. Part of the problem is that throughout my childhood I was not allowed to feel. As an adult I’ve pushed my feelings down because I didn’t have the capacity to deal with them. Now I’m beginning to feel and I don’t know how to process my feelings or what to do with them.

This past week I’ve been started to feel again and have been feeling immense sadness. 

Writing this has not been easy. It would be very easy for me to close in on myself but that is not a very healthy thing for me to do. In fact it’s the worst thing I could do. So I decided to type this to try to express some of what’s going on.

They call therapy ‘work’ and it sure is. It’s certainly not easy and it is very hard work. But I’m pleased with the rapport I’m building with my worker and it is making a difference to me although it’s not possible for me to quantify that yet, just that it is.

But all the while I am progressing, albeit very slowly and gradually.

2 comments:

Eve said...

Oh Dear Heart, you are so correct, healing IS work! Therapy IS work! It is the hardest work that you will ever do, but when we are done, we will have a life! Keep going!
love to you today.

Princess Fi said...

Love to you too Eve, wonderful to hear from you today!!