I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. Without God's intervention in my life I wouldn't be here - NOW is the time for me to tell MY story by speaking the TRUTH about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being restored. This blog has helped me begin to get my voice back and documents the journey God is taking me on to heal me from the trauma and damage caused by that most appalling abuse.

Sunday, 3 April 2011

FACING MOTHER'S DAY

What follows are excerpts from an article I’ve posted about Mother’s Day on my autobiographical blog, “From Chrysalis to Beautiful Butterfly”.

The reality of the effect of not just Mother’s Day upon my life but also everything that happened to me as a child is profound. The effect of the abuse, trauma, evil and rejection are deep and far reaching. I’ve realised it’s far more healthy to be real and honest than to keep smiling through and pretend it doesn’t affect me like it does... 

I wish I could forget... but that luxury is not available to me. There is no escape from the... pain... the memories and far reaching affects upon my life. I can keep silent no more... it has to be stated clearly... openly and honestly. No more pretending...

I guess the events of the past year make this particular Mother’s Day extra hard. My mother denied, defied,  pretended and play acted when faced with the legal consequences of her actions last summer. She evaded justice... she cared only about herself... it just went away for her as if nothing happened. I don’t have such a luxury. For me it will never go away. It’s there every waking moment and in my sleep too. It’s there in the profound damage in my life too!

... People find it difficult to accept or believe that mothers abuse... People find it difficult to accept or believe that mothers sexually abuse. People find it difficult to accept or believe that mothers beat instead of love, nurture and behave with gentleness. People find it difficult to accept or believe that mothers abandon and disown their own kids....

The truth is my mother abused me and very severely, in every possible way... my mother sexually abused me and assisted in enabling others to sexually abuse me, even when I was a tiny little toddler... my mother took every opportunity to beat me and never spoke gently or treated me gently.

The truth is my mother abandoned and disowned me when I made it clear I was no longer prepared to put up with the abuse...

Many people have said to me “surely there were times when she was nice and gentle to you”, “surely you had some good times in your childhood”, “surely it wasn’t as black, bleak and horrible as you make it out to be, you must have had some good times as a family.”

The truth is no, she was not nice and gentle to me. No I had NO good times in my childhood. Yes it was as black, bleak and horrible as I make out... NO we had NO good times as a family... NO I had no good times as child...

My mother took every opportunity to remind me of my faults and supposed faults... constantly making allegations, twisting things, making insinuations... blowing things out of proportion... abusive in every possible way and took great delight in doing so... I never expected anything other than nastiness and that’s what I got. She systematically and deliberated brutalised and traumatised me for life. She did it for the sheer hell of it. She needed no excuse or reason for it. Just the fact I was alive and breathing was enough reason. She systematically and deliberately stripped away my dignity, self worth and self belief...

Mother’s Day brings into sharp focus reminders which are there every day. That is why Mother’s Day is so hard to get through... I miss having a mother, more than there are words for, BUT I DO NOT miss my mother, not one jot!


2 comments:

Eve said...

I hate what happened to you. I am glad you are starting to detail it though as I believe this will aid in your healing process. I am sorry for what you have gone through.

Princess Fi said...

Yes it was hard to write but also liberating and vulnerable too.