My definition of love was about doing whatever was required of me to meet whatever they wanted from me.
Love was all about obligation, hurt, pain, shame, fear, terror, appeasement, manipulation, degradation, brutality, humiliation, power, abandonment, isolation, keeping quiet, never questioning, loyalty, insinuations, suspicion, allegations, scapegoating, confusion, never being real, superficiality, obedience, control.
Wow, no wonder my understanding of love is so skewed. No wonder I don’t even know where to begin when it comes to relationships or love.
Whatever I did it was never enough so love for me was always requiring more of me than I could give. It was about never being good enough. It was always about falling short.