I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Thursday, 7 April 2011

MY DEFINITION OF "LOVE"

My definition of love was about doing whatever was required of me to meet whatever they wanted from me. 

Love was all about obligation, hurt, pain, shame, fear, terror, appeasement, manipulation, degradation, brutality, humiliation, power, abandonment, isolation, keeping quiet, never questioning, loyalty, insinuations, suspicion, allegations, scapegoating, confusion, never being real, superficiality, obedience, control. 

Wow, no wonder my understanding of love is so skewed. No wonder I don’t even know where to begin when it comes to relationships or love. 

Whatever I did it was never enough so love for me was always requiring more of me than I could give. It was about never being good enough. It was always about falling short.

1 comment:

Eve said...

Praying that the Lord will continue to show you what real love is.