I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Sunday, 15 May 2011

Happy Birthday Mum


Ha, nah, YOU didn’t really think I’d say those words to YOU and mean it did YOU? No way!!

YOU turned 71 yesterday. This year was the first year I’ve not written YOUR birthday in my diary. That was deliberate. BUT I still remembered. That date is seared into my memory. Yesterday I was thinking of YOUR life, YOUR legacy. I wonder what a narcissist thinks when she looks back on her life?

I know what I think. I know what I feel.

I have so many bad memories of my childhood. I also have many parts of my childhood which I do not and cannot remember. It’s always bugged me that I cannot remember. But I recognise now that those things are blocked out of my memory for very good reasons. The stuff I can remember is so horrible and horrific that I’m not going to fish around and try to remember things which are blocked out. I figure they’ll come to my consciousness if and when they’re meant to.

These are my memories of YOU as a mother:-

YOU were never ever gentle or loving towards me

YOU never held me. Instead YOU beat me. If I went to YOU, YOU pushed me aside mockingly.

YOU never sided with me on anything 

YOU always mocked and put down and kept me in my place

YOU never supported me in anything 

YOU always undermined instead

YOU never ever encouraged me

YOU were always violent, cruel and sadistic towards me 

YOU consistently mocked me and put me down

YOU consistently told me I was useless and would never be anything and to never think of myself in any other way.

YOU hated me in the womb and despised me from the moment of my birth 

YOU made sure I knew what a burden I was to you. So I grew up thinking I was this terrible burden who was a total blot on the landscape and the world would have been a much better place had I never been born.

YOU made sure I knew I was wrong and defective right from the very beginning in YOUR eyes. So I grew up believing being a girl was unacceptable and all the bad spoken and unspoken messages I received about myself from YOU. I grew up feeling like a total complete misfit.

YOU told me so many times that I deserved everything YOU did to me that I believed the abuse was fully my fault and I was a terrible person who only deserved bad things to be done to her. I never believed anything good could happen to me because of YOU.

YOU put me through hell. Why? Just to satisfy some lust inside of you?

YOU should be rotting in jail and are very lucky not to be. But YOU are rotting away inside and one day YOU will have to account for YOUR actions to someone who will not let YOU escape the truth, the consequences and YOUR punishment.

YOU cared not one jot about how I felt or about how I was affected by what YOU did 

YOU cared only about YOURSELF and how the outside world perceived the Nicholson family to be – image, image, image, image - always - never substance nor reality

YOU are a total failure

YOU are guilty of child cruelty

YOU are guilty of every charge of sexual abuse that could be laid at YOUR door

YOU are guilty of child torture

YOU are guilty of assault

YOU are a child abuser

YOU are a paedophile

YOU are a child murderer 

YOU colluded with abuse and other abusers 

YOU were actively involved in setting me up for abuse

YOU actively ensured abuse happened to me

YOU washed YOUR hands of me when I was of no further use to YOU and became a liability to YOU

YOU are a very evil, conniving, deceiving, nasty piece of work

YOU deserve to be locked up and the key thrown away

YOU, when faced with the legal consequences of YOUR actions last year, lied, denied, play acted and made YOURSELF out to be a victim and got away with it all. 

YOU do not deserve YOUR liberty

YOU are a liar

YOU care nothing for the real truth – only for YOUR version of truth

YOU are the one to blame, not me

YOU have ever acknowledged anything happened

YOU have never ever acknowledged the truth nor that the things YOU did to me were crimes

YOU are an abject failure as a person, as a mother and as a human being

YOU beat me up, disowned me and left for me dead in a heap in the snow when I made it clear at the age of 19 that I was wasn’t going to put up with YOUR abuse any more. YOUR final words were the most brutal “from this moment you do not exist”. So for my entire life I’ve been a solitary figure, alone, just about surviving. I’ve had no life. I have had a non-life, only a mere existence at the best of times.

I always believed that was my lot in life. I believed that I deserved no better, that I didn’t deserve love or any nice thing happening to me. But that was a lie from YOU. I have always been an orphan who never belonged or fitted in or was wanted. That hurt and emptiness never goes away. There are so many things I never had, many of them the most basic things. I never stop missing those things. My heart never stops hurting and aching. My heart has always hurt and ached. There are times that hurt totally overwhelms me.

This is YOUR legacy. This is YOUR gift to me. This is YOUR life’s work. 

It’s not very pretty is it? 

I’m slowly seeing YOUR lies for what they are. I’m slowly realising it was NOT my fault, that I’m NOT a total failure. I’m slowly realising it was YOUR fault. I’m very slowly realising that I was not to blame and did not deserve any of that mistreatment.

I have come a long way! I have a long way to go!


Eve said...

You are one strong woman! I admire your honesty and guts! You are right, IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NONE OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!EVER!!!!!!!!!
sending you my love from across the pond!

Princess Fi said...

She was one huge cow, my mother was and I aint gonna mince my words. It's very healing and liberating!!