HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM
Ha, nah, YOU didn’t really think I’d say those words to YOU and mean it did YOU? No way!!
YOU turned 71 yesterday. This year was the first year I’ve not written YOUR birthday in my diary. That was deliberate. BUT I still remembered. That date is seared into my memory. Yesterday I was thinking of YOUR life, YOUR legacy. I wonder what a narcissist thinks when she looks back on her life?
I know what I think. I know what I feel.
I have so many bad memories of my childhood. I also have many parts of my childhood which I do not and cannot remember. It’s always bugged me that I cannot remember. But I recognise now that those things are blocked out of my memory for very good reasons. The stuff I can remember is so horrible and horrific that I’m not going to fish around and try to remember things which are blocked out. I figure they’ll come to my consciousness if and when they’re meant to.
These are my memories of YOU as a mother:-
YOU were never ever gentle or loving towards me
YOU never held me. Instead YOU beat me. If I went to YOU, YOU pushed me aside mockingly.
YOU never sided with me on anything
YOU always mocked and put down and kept me in my place
YOU never supported me in anything
YOU always undermined instead
YOU never ever encouraged me
YOU were always violent, cruel and sadistic towards me
YOU consistently mocked me and put me down
YOU consistently told me I was useless and would never be anything and to never think of myself in any other way.
YOU hated me in the womb and despised me from the moment of my birth
YOU made sure I knew what a burden I was to you. So I grew up thinking I was this terrible burden who was a total blot on the landscape and the world would have been a much better place had I never been born.
YOU made sure I knew I was wrong and defective right from the very beginning in YOUR eyes. So I grew up believing being a girl was unacceptable and all the bad spoken and unspoken messages I received about myself from YOU. I grew up feeling like a total complete misfit.
YOU told me so many times that I deserved everything YOU did to me that I believed the abuse was fully my fault and I was a terrible person who only deserved bad things to be done to her. I never believed anything good could happen to me because of YOU.
YOU put me through hell. Why? Just to satisfy some lust inside of you?
YOU should be rotting in jail and are very lucky not to be. But YOU are rotting away inside and one day YOU will have to account for YOUR actions to someone who will not let YOU escape the truth, the consequences and YOUR punishment.
YOU cared not one jot about how I felt or about how I was affected by what YOU did
YOU cared only about YOURSELF and how the outside world perceived the Nicholson family to be – image, image, image, image - always - never substance nor reality
YOU are a total failure
YOU are guilty of child cruelty
YOU are guilty of every charge of sexual abuse that could be laid at YOUR door
YOU are guilty of child torture
YOU are guilty of assault
YOU are a child abuser
YOU are a paedophile
YOU are a child murderer
YOU colluded with abuse and other abusers
YOU were actively involved in setting me up for abuse
YOU actively ensured abuse happened to me
YOU washed YOUR hands of me when I was of no further use to YOU and became a liability to YOU
YOU are a very evil, conniving, deceiving, nasty piece of work
YOU deserve to be locked up and the key thrown away
YOU, when faced with the legal consequences of YOUR actions last year, lied, denied, play acted and made YOURSELF out to be a victim and got away with it all.
YOU do not deserve YOUR liberty
YOU are a liar
YOU care nothing for the real truth – only for YOUR version of truth
YOU are the one to blame, not me
YOU have ever acknowledged anything happened
YOU have never ever acknowledged the truth nor that the things YOU did to me were crimes
YOU are an abject failure as a person, as a mother and as a human being
YOU beat me up, disowned me and left for me dead in a heap in the snow when I made it clear at the age of 19 that I was wasn’t going to put up with YOUR abuse any more. YOUR final words were the most brutal “from this moment you do not exist”. So for my entire life I’ve been a solitary figure, alone, just about surviving. I’ve had no life. I have had a non-life, only a mere existence at the best of times.
I always believed that was my lot in life. I believed that I deserved no better, that I didn’t deserve love or any nice thing happening to me. But that was a lie from YOU. I have always been an orphan who never belonged or fitted in or was wanted. That hurt and emptiness never goes away. There are so many things I never had, many of them the most basic things. I never stop missing those things. My heart never stops hurting and aching. My heart has always hurt and ached. There are times that hurt totally overwhelms me.
This is YOUR legacy. This is YOUR gift to me. This is YOUR life’s work.
It’s not very pretty is it?
I’m slowly seeing YOUR lies for what they are. I’m slowly realising it was NOT my fault, that I’m NOT a total failure. I’m slowly realising it was YOUR fault. I’m very slowly realising that I was not to blame and did not deserve any of that mistreatment.
I have come a long way! I have a long way to go!