I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Sunday, 8 May 2011


The last two weeks have been really hard going and I have spent much of the time in survival mode. Over the last couple of weeks we’ve had two holiday weekends and now this weekend we have Mother’s Day celebrated across the pond. I’ve been trying hard not to read anything related to it but it’s impossible to miss it altogether. That’s one thing about have international contacts and friends, I have to survive two Mother’s Days. That’s darned tough!! 

‘K’ has been on leave this past week so when I get to see her on Tuesday it will have been exactly two weeks since our last appointment. It’s always hard when there’s been a gap – the gap really affects my ability to trust and talk. When I see her on Tuesday it’s something we’ll have to talk about because she wants to shift me to fortnightly appointments which I’m really unhappy about. One hour a week isn’t that long and we don’t have enough time to talk about everything we need to talk about. So to cut my time by half seems mad. Also I need the consistency of weekly appointments – it enables me to build on the trust and confidence. Bigger gaps really affect that. So I’m going to have to find some courage to mention how I feel. It doesn’t help that I haven’t been told why the change is necessary, not knowing why really unsettles me when change is afoot. During our last two appointments I had begun to feel really safe. But now I feel like I’ve got to start over after this gap.

I had been beginning to embrace taking care of myself, cutting myself some slack but the last couple of weeks all I’ve done is survive. And it is SO frustrating. I’d been making great progress but the last couple of weeks I’ve been standing still, hunkered down, determined to make it through. Yes I have made it through but at what price?


Eve said...

Oh Dear Fiona! I am so glad to see that you have posted. I am sending you a big hug right now. I pray that you will find a way to open up and trust. If you ever want to talk, let me know. I would love to chat with you online. I am a good listener. I'm here.

Princess Fi said...

Hi Eve, thanks very much, really appreciated your words.

I find it very hard to open up and trust. As 'K' says "I have huge trust issues" lol! What an understatement. It was very hard to write that post and possible the shortest one I've posted. I felt it important to post something.

You've probably guessed that I find chatting online really scary. I spose it's the same how much do I share or not share thing. I have your 2 cards on my mantlepiece and they really minister to me.

Thanks again!!