I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Monday, 9 May 2011

A Letter to My Mother

Having just survived the second mother’s day of the year I was inspired by a friend to write a letter to my mother which I will never send her. What follows are excerpts from that letter. I think I will be going on to write letters to every family member at some stage. 

To read the whole post go to my autobiographical blog at 

It is painful to know that I was so disposable to YOU. It is painful for me to know I was so dismissible when I made it clear by my actions that it was a case of “no more, I’ve had enough, I’m not taking any more of this violence and nastiness”. YOUR words when YOU disowned me and left me for dead “from this moment you do not exist” were very brutal.

I know YOU don’t care about my pain. In fact YOU relish it, delight in it, so I’m not going to give YOU the pleasure of knowing the true depth of my hurt and pain. I’m not going to waste my time telling YOU.

YOU don’t care and never did. YOU delighted in causing me pain, the more the better as far as YOU were concerned. So I know YOU don’t care about me and never have done. YOUR total disregard of me was and is breathtaking and extremely brutal and callous. YOU made it clear throughout my childhood that I did not match up to your ideals. I was never ever good enough. Nothing I ever said or did matched YOUR too high ideals. YOU made it clear from the outset that everything about me was wrong because I was a girl. How terribly that undermined me and gave me the message that being feminine is a very bad thing. YOU made it clear to me throughout my childhood that everything that went wrong was my fault. YOU blamed me for everything. YOU used anything and everything as an excuse to make sure I knew how bad, useless and worthless I was. BUT I’m beginning to realise the truth now. I was merely a child. YOU were the adult in the relationship. YOU were wrong to behave that way. YOU were the one who was bad and evil not me. I was only a child who needed love, care, nurture, guidance not hatred, cruelty and violence at every turn. I was not to blame, YOU were. That is the truth! 

YOU are the most evil, brutal, cold and cruel women I’ve ever had the displeasure to come across.

YOU do not deserve to be called ‘mum’. YOU do not deserve the title ‘mother’. There are some people who should never ever be allowed to have children, and YOU are one of them. YOU never were a mother to me. YOU were just a cold, hard, cruel woman who did not even seem to see or acknowledge that I was a human being not a thing to be used, abused, discarded and forgotten about.

After the events of last summer I decided to get rid of the Nicholson name. I am no longer a Nicholson. I rejected and dismissed the names YOU gave me. I am no longer Helen Fiona. And guess what I’m never going to tell YOU what my new adopted name is either. That feels so good!! That was my ultimate rejection of YOU and my adoption of a new future which is about what I need in order to live and to heal. It was such a relief to do that and so liberating. YOU are not and never will be part of that future in any way at all. I’ve given YOU so many chances over the years to acknowledge the truth. YOU have refused to and YOUR behaviour last summer sealed it for me. It feels good to have done that. In doing so I simply completed that which YOU began when YOU left me for dead. I no longer go by the family name nor by the names that YOU gave me. That estrangement is now a formal divorce. 

Part of me is sad that it is so but YOU have made it so. YOU are the one at fault here not me. I am not prepared to have anything to do with someone who doesn't want a relationship with me unless it's on their terms – especially when those terms are all about control, manipulation and abuse. It is hard for me to believe or accept that my mother only wants relationship with me based on abuse and that outside of that abuse I have no mother and no relationship with my mother. But the truth is that outside of that abuse I do not fit and I am not wanted. That is a terrible thing for someone to have to live with and accept.

Nor am I prepared to pretend any more that that is not how things really are. 

At the same time I am releasing YOUR hold on me and refuse to accept YOUR version of events and YOUR version of what and who I am.

I am determined to build my life on truth not lies. I have no evil intent towards YOU and never have done, unlike YOU. I wish the same could have been said about YOU and YOUR intentions towards me. YOU are totally selfish and evil. One day YOU will have to account for YOUR actions before someone who will allow no lies or pretence and who will not let YOU get off scot free. I would not want to be YOU on that day because it will be all about YOU and not about me.

In fact this letter has not been about me but about YOU. It’s all about YOU and YOUR evil and YOUR cruelty. I do wish things had been different from the bottom of my heart but instead this is how things really are.

This comes from the heart of YOUR daughter. Yes YOUR daughter, the one YOU left for dead and like to pretend does not exist.  

From the woman who was YOUR only daughter


Eve said...

I know this was hard to write. Thank you for your honesty. I am so sorry you had an earthly monster/mother like this. Sending you my love today.

Princess Fi said...

thanks, yes it was very hard to write but a turning point for me too!!