I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Monday, 18 July 2011


I’ve not written for over 2 weeks now. It’s been a very hard time. It was Friday 1st July when I was informed about the ChildLine closures. We were told by the press before the NSPCC deigned to tell their volunteers. The total lack of respect the NSPCC showed their volunteers throughout the sham consultation period and then telling the press ahead of the volunteers was disgusting and left me feeling very angry and disillusioned.

For the first week after that I had so much adrenalin going through my system it was unreal. It got me through the immediate shock and going in to work in ChildLine the following Wednesday and being told my services were no longer required and to clear my desk, email and hard drive. That was hard, very hard. Beyond anything I’ve experienced before. There were a lot of tears that afternoon. It was heartbreaking going into ChildLine that afternoon, the whole atmosphere was sad and you could feel the heart had been ripped out of the place. It was very sad indeed.

With the help of adrenalin I got through that and the immediate aftermath. I thought I was processing it and doing surprisingly well then I ran out of adrenalin and went splat and flat inside the following weekend. 
Since then everything’s been really hard work. It’s been really hard to motivate myself to do anything. I went from feeling very angry and sad to not knowing how or what I feel. I didn’t know what to do with myself and closed up without realising I was closing up on myself. That’s one reason why I’ve not blogged although I have journaled my way through this. 

I went back to the old familiar survival mode without realising I’d gone back there. I’ve been feeling very fatigued, physically, mentally and emotionally and have been having to sleep and rest a lot. I’ve not have the mental energy to blog and I am struggling with writing this. It’s hard work writing this and my writing isn’t flowing as usual but I decided it was time to say something rather than carry on saying nothing. 

I’m very aware of the thing between physical health and emotional/mental health and have been deliberately taking life much more quietly and carefully than usual. I know all that anger and hurt didn’t go away just because I stopped feeling it. In many ways I’ve turned it inward. I also got to a point where it hurt too much to feel and so I switched off not consciously but on a subliminal level. Yesterday I physically hurt, every move I made physically hurt. My body ached and hurt as if I’d run several marathons and had several boxing matches the day before. I had not done anything so I knew the physical pain had emotional roots. It was emotional roots manifesting itself physically in my body. I have a sore throat today and very low energy. I feel really run down at the moment and I’m not too surprised with all that’s happened. There is no doubt that the emotional stuff which turned inward is now coming out in my body. I think that is a very interesting learning experience and am glad this had happened so I can learn from it. 

Yes, life hurts like crazy at the moment. It hurts beyond anything I have words for and it’s going to take a long time for me to adjust to all that’s happened. And that’s where I’m at for now.

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