I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. Without God's intervention in my life I wouldn't be here - NOW is the time for me to tell MY story by speaking the TRUTH about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being restored. This blog has helped me begin to get my voice back and documents the journey God is taking me on to heal me from the trauma and damage caused by that most appalling abuse.

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

WEARY OF GOODBYES

I’ve been feeling very weary lately. It’s no surprise that I am feeling like that given the events of the last month or so. 

Mid June I was told of a colleague at Open Door being made redundant. He had been at Open Door longer than me and was a paid worker whereas I’m a volunteer. He has been a good friend to me throughout the last 4 years and has helped me heal in some areas of relating to males and realising there are safe males in the world. He has always treated me with incredible respect and I value him very highly. When I was told that he was going to be leaving I was shocked and incredibly gutted. 

At that time I had no idea of what was ahead concerning ChildLine and didn’t realise I was facing a double whammy. 

Over the next couple of weeks I slowly readjusted to the fact of ‘J’s’ impending departure but wasn’t particularly looking forward to the actual ending and was wondering how I was going to handle that. But I was adjusting to it and thought I was going to navigate it ok in the end. Yes, dealing with it was going to be hard but at least I had a month and a bit to adjust to the news before the goodbye was going to occur.

As I reached that point I was hit by the news of ChildLine’s closure which was immensely shocking. The trauma and shock effect of that news was very deep. The trauma and shock was made even worse by the suddenness of my final shift occurring just 5 days after hearing the news of the impending closure. That afternoon was incredibly difficult for me. It was impossible for me to hide my feelings and for the first time in my life people saw the real me not the “me“ who smiles through everything.

I’ve reflected on that. Although I felt at the time “if only I could have held together” it was good for those around me to see that I have feelings. Little did they realise that up until the last few months I’ve had no feelings. I’ve gone through life not feeling, that was part of my survival, but that’s changed during the last few months. Now I have feelings and boy do I feel them? They are very intense. I either feel intensely or not at all. I hope over time that is going to settle and I’ll find some middle ground but for now I’m just getting used to feeling. All my life I’ve felt like a fraud because nobody has ever seen the real me.

Well that changed on 6th July 2011. I sat on the bus coming home afterwards and thought “well everyone saw the real me today.” I felt embarrassed about that to start with. But after a while as I thought back on the events of that afternoon my thoughts were “wow, yes I cried, yes I fell apart, yes people saw the real me BUT it was safe, people rallied round and were amazingly supportive” and I began to feel better about what happened. There was a part of me that was proud of me for being real. Nothing bad happened because of it, in fact only really positive stuff.

Since then I’ve been very slowly adjusting to the fact that ChildLine has gone. I’ve experienced immense grief and anger over that. It has left a huge gulf in my life. I have no idea what I am going to do about that gulf but I acknowledge that that gulf is there.

It’ll be three weeks tomorrow since that day. I’ve come a long way in that time but I am weary, very weary. Just dealing with ChildLine’s closure by itself would have been huge. Dealing with my friend and colleague “J’s” departure from Open Door would have been huge on its own. 

BUT to have both together has been immensely hard indeed. There are no words to suffice for how it’s really been.

It was "J's" leaving do last Friday and that was a really tough evening, I was glad when it was over.

The next big date for me is 18th August when there will be a big party for all involved with ChildLine. That will be very hard. Part of me is looking forward to that knowing it'll help closure but a larger part of me is dreading it. ChildLine's been such a huge part of my life. It's very hard to wrap my head around the fact it's not there anymore and never will be. Working for ChildLine was such a journey for me.

I realised something really important yesterday as I journaled my thoughts and feelings on all this.

I realised that in all of this I’ve taken really good care of myself. That is new for me. Usually I just plough on regardless because that’s what I’ve always had to do. 

Instead I’ve been taking note of my feelings and thoughts and been very gentle with myself. I guess I’m slowly learning to re-parent myself. I’ve been taking it very gently indeed and just been giving myself space to grieve and process rather than deny those feelings or pretend everything’s ok when it isn’t. I don’t push myself now in the way I used to. 

I refuse to guilt trip myself for feeling bad or needing time and space to adjust. I refuse to guilt trip myself for feeling. I refuse to guilt trip myself for having needs. That last one is such a HUGE one. 

YES, I HAVE NEEDS AND THEY ARE VALID NEEDS. YES I HAVE FEELINGS AND THEY ARE VALID TOO!

Feelings and needs are allowed now!

And that I guess is progress!!

2 comments:

Eve said...

You certainly are making wonderful progress in taking care of yourself! I am so proud of you! And I wanted to also add that I don't think youare being a fraud if you think people don't know the real you, I am sure the you you portray to others has pieces of the real you it is just a matter of more of them show as you feel you can. Until then, I am waiting and loving who I see now, and as i get to know you better, I am sure I will love you even more. You are a beautiful person Fi.
Thank you for what you shared.

Princess Fi said...

Thank you!! Understanding why I have no sense of identity or sense of self and where that stems from helps me understand why I don't know who or what I really am.