Last week during my session with 'K' I took a huge step.
It's about 7 months since I agreed to work with 'K' on the sexual abuse in my childhood. It has taken that long to feel safe and find the courage to actually do just that.
I've been dancing around the periphery for a very long time, dropping hints but not daring to go too near to what actually happened. I decided at the end of June that enough was enough and I was going to begin to get to the nuts and bolts of the actual sexual abuse. I decided that I was safe enough and I wasn't going to make any progress by continuing to dance around the subject. Instead I'd feel really bad for not finding the guts to talk about it. And then the ChildLine closures were announced which was totally shattering and got in the way because I had to talk about that instead of the abuse.
As I approached my session with 'K' last week I was very anxious. I actually felt very ill that morning and it was sheer force of will that got me to our session.
As we began talking I could feel myself fascillating and pulling back but I was totally determined that I was NOT going to go back on my decision. 'K' started things off by saying I'd mentioned at the end of our previous session that there was something I wanted to talk about but couldn't because of the ChildLine stuff. Gosh, I'd forgotten saying that till she mentioned it. So I realised it's a case of now or never.
So I took hold of what remained of my courage before it walked out the door and began to talk about my first memory of being sexually abused aged 3 1/2 years old. I was able to talk about it without dissociating but also without any feelings. I had to shut down my feelings to talk about it. As we were closing the session down 'K' asked me how I was really feeling inside. I heard myself reply "I can't let you see those feelings." I happened to be looking at 'K' at the same time. I could see in her eyes that she realised what I did that a child part had spoken. It was quite a powerful moment.
Next week I have my next session with 'K'. It's going to be interested how I feel facing her after last week. We both recognised what a huge step that was. Part of me feels very proud of myself.
I remember the sheer terror I felt as I began to talk and couldn't look at 'K'.
I remember too stealing a glance at her and then looking away just as quickly and then doing it again just to reassure myself it was ok. I said to 'K' twice "you're not looking at me any different." She responded "no I'm not... the disgust and shame belongs with those who did those things to you not with you."
I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!