I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Sunday, 28 August 2011


The past two weeks have been very hard, very painful, very challenging. I had the ChildLine closure to deal with which was totally heartbreaking. But in that heartbreak I found comfort in the shared loss, grief and anger of my colleagues and friends at ChildLine. That is the first time I have shared at such an emotional level with people and I realise how far I've come to be able to be so emotionally vulnerable. I discovered comfort and safety in that vulnerability. As I write those words I find it amazing that such a thing happened, but it did, and it was very validating, very healing and began to challenge the old tapes in my head that say vulnerability = risk = pain = betrayal = hurt = danger - and so on. It was very hard going through the leaving party. But it was also important to go through it, because however painful it was, it gave me some closure. Of course I didn't want that closure, I didn't want ChildLine to end for me. But I found the strength from deep within to face it and to be real and vulnerable. I am glad I didn't put up a defensive front that no one could get past. I am glad I was real because that allowed people to reach out to me. For the first time in my life I did not isolate myself because of the pain. It would have been so easy to do that but I resisted the temptation to isolate and chose vulnerability, honesty and reality instead.

On Tuesday I spoke at length with "T", my counsellor at Quiet Mind, about the loss, my grief and also what happened at the closure, the shared loss, the shared emotions, the emotional vulnerability. I also talked about the conversations I've had with colleagues and what they've told me about myself, about how I was perceived by my colleagues and about the impact I had on them. I was astounded by the things they've said to me. Those things have really made a huge dent into the old tapes from the abuse that tell me I'm useless, worthless and will never do or be anything of value. I realise I am a very different person from that which my abusers told me I was. There is far more to me than what they said. "T" commented "I would go so far as to say you are not what they said you were." I intend to discuss that further with "T" in our session next week as we were out of time at that point.

The ChildLine closure happened one week after my previous session with "K". I was an emotional wreck the following day and phoned "K" to find she was out training all day and so were all the rest of the CPN's. So I just left a message on her voicemail. "K" has been encouraging me to phone her when I'm not doing good instead of just going in to survival mode. I find it very hard to pick up the phone and ask for help. In fact it is the hardest thing in the world for me to do.

I crashed that weekend but somehow made it through to Monday. I didn't get a phone call back from "K" all day so I phoned again in the afternoon and was told she was out training again, "did I want to leave a message?" My response was "no, there's no point" and I put the phone down in frustration. I felt let down by the system and really frustrated. There was anger too. I felt "what is the point of telling me I can phone, encouraging me to do so, and then not being there when I do". I got through Tuesday and Wednesday with no phone call back. That really messed with my head. I began to think "she doesn't want to speak to me now I've begun to tell her the terrible details of the abuse" and many other things. My mind was working overtime. It was a terrible couple of days. 

And then I came to Thursday. I was in Open Door as usual and had a busy day and I knew I was booked to see "K" in the afternoon. I'd decided that I was going to start the session saying something along the lines of "can you tell me why I'm still waiting for you to return my calls and respond to my message."

While I was in Open Door I had my mobile switched off. As I left half an hour before my appointment with "K" was due I switched it on and found a voicemail message. It was "K" apologising for not getting back to me sooner and saying she was looking forward to seeing me at 3pm.

I stopped in my tracks and actually laughed at myself. I said "you bloody idiot" and laughed. I didn't give myself a hard time. I stopped and realised that and was amazed at myself for laughing instead of giving myself a hard talking to. Half an hour later I was at my appointment with "K".

"K" told me she'd been out of the office all week training and working elsewhere and was gutted to have only picked up my message then. I told her it had really messed with my head. "K" said she wasn't surprised and asked me what I'd been thinking and feeling. I told her "you don't want to know". Her response was "actually, I do". That surprised me and sent my mind into a spin as I tried to collect my thoughts together to make a response to that. I found it really difficult to be vulnerable and tell her exactly what I'd thought and felt during those days but she drew out of me. Eventually I was able to express how hurt, let down, betrayed and angry I'd felt. "K" read me like a book. She was not surprised at any of it. I felt validated, respected and heard. And that enabled me to draw a line under the affair, learn from it and move on.

I was able next to tell her how helped I was when she said to me in the last session "Fi, this is really shocking" in response to the paedophilia abuse I disclosed. Those words really validated me. Those words reached out to me and comforted in an amazing way. "K" thanked me for telling her that, she said "it's really hard to find words that can help in this situation, so I'm really happy those words helped you and it's good to know that."

So with trust restored I was able to move on and go back to my grandparents' house with her. I told her that I needed a break from the room where I was abused by so many paedophiles. It is too horrible and too painful. I said I wanted to take her to another room in the house and "was it ok?" "Of course", she said, "you're in control not me".

So I took her to my grandmother's bedroom and talked about when my brother and I stayed over at their house. It happened many times as a matter of course although we only lived 10 minutes drive or so away. We'd be dropped off and left there with our grandparents. When my brother and I stayed over I had to sleep with my grandmother in her bed and my brother had to sleep with my grandfather in his bed. I am aged 5 when my memories of this begin although I realise it did not begin then but was already an established part of life by that age.

I was able to talk "K" through my grandmother's rape of me, how I felt, what I thought. It was a very intense session but also very healing. Since our session I've felt like a huge weight has lifted from me. "K" said to me at the end of the session "you showed amazing courage today". I took those words away with me and the compassion with which those words were spoken. "K" told me that she is amazed at the progress I've made during the last 3 sessions. I told her that I'm amazed at myself too!


Eve said...

Your ability to see the problem, call it for what it is, and then move past it, is completely wonderful! That is exactly what I have been trying to work on/impliment in my life lately; when i am really mad or sad or angry, I say, "okay, Eve, what is this really about?" And then I try to put together where it came from and as you have stated so beautifully, it is always linked to the past. I am going to pray that we both continue on this good and healing path! Sending you much love today! (as a side note, I think if you posted this link on the cycle of healing, it would really help some of our other friends there:)
I love you Princess Fi!

Princess Fi said...

Hi Eve,

I just posted it on Cycle of Healing.

It's something "T" has helped me to do to begin to say "ok what's really going on here?" and also when I feel myself dissociate I stop and ask "what was happening, what was I saying, doing, hearing immediately before I began to dissociate?"

It's all about increasing my self-awareness, understanding and acceptance of myself.

Angela said...

Let me just say what incredible work you are doing. What you have suffered through is horrific, and you are bravely moving forward. I have a difficult time asking for help also. It must have been hard to not get that phone call back, but it sounds like K is a wonderful therapist. Sending safe, gentle {{{HUGS}}} your way:)

Anonymous said...

Hi Fi!!

Princess Fi said...

Hi Mike, how lovely to hear from you!!

Princess Fi said...

Thanks Angela, I so appreciated your comments and the safe gentle hugs. Yes 'K' is amazing, she has me well worked out and is so patient and gentle with me.