I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Wednesday, 10 August 2011


I had really key session with 'T' today.

After last week when I discussed my confusion concerning my sexuality and gender, for the very first time, I moved on today to exploring some side issues which are involved in to defining what it means to be 'me'.

For the very first time I talked about the babies I lost when I was just a child myself. When I was aged just 12+13 I lost several babies through miscarriages. I also lost 2 other babies when I was aged13+14 through abortions that my mother carried out on me using knitting needles. Those babies were killed in front of me. There was nothing I could do except to beg for their lives to no avail. I understand now that they could not be allowed to live. Two babies would led to awkward questions. It would have exposed the incest. It does not make it right but I understand why those things happened.

One of my biggest griefs is that I've never had the chance to be a mother. I remember when I was only aged 23 I was told I'd never be able to have children because of internal damage and internal scarring. It hurt me very deeply to be told that and to know the people who did that to me were my own family.

I had thought that because I was just a kid when I lost those babies it didn't really hurt me but truth is it hurt and affect me very very deeply.

As I talked I felt the huge weight of those losses. There were no tears, those are stuffed deep down inside me.  But I had very distinct sense of I've finally stopped running after years of running away from the memories and the hurt. These are huge issues and it's going to be big job to sort through all the feelings and memories and to connect with that grief which is buried so deeply.

I have begun though and that is so important.

By the way I have told Cumbria police about the miscarriages, abortions and murders. The police have done nothing about that information which is a total disgrace.

We discussed other aspects of my gender and sexuality confusion. It was amazing how much ground we covered in an hour. It was fascitating to see how many side issues are involved in defining your gender and sexuality. Each one of those side issues is a huge one in it's own right.

Finally, it is such a huge relief to have finally found someone safe to discuss these issues with.

It is a massive relief to be able to talk and write about this stuff at long last.


Eve said...

I am so very proud of you for being able to write this out. Fi, I words cannot express my deep sorrow for your losses. I am filled with awe that you are able to talk about this all and start to heal from it. You are amazing. I am utterly saddened by this all. It is awful. I hope the tears come in time so that you can fully grieve these losses. I am glad that you have T. I love you and will continue to pray.

Princess Fi said...