I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Sunday, 18 September 2011


I’ve not written for a while because of what’s been going on for me.

The last couple of weeks or so have been a really rough ride. My worker “K” has been on a period of leave and the mental health recovery worker from Rethink has not filled the gap. That has been very annoying and has been a huge ‘let down’. She is supposed to be there filling in the gaps for when “K” isn’t there. Having that happen has made things even much harder than they needed to be. If I didn’t have my counsellor “T” at the Quiet Mind Centre I’d have been really stuck. “T” is the one who has maintained the stability of being there for me through it all. She has helped to pick up the pieces. She’s also helped me remain open and talking about all I’ve been feeling and about how angry and hurt I feel about Rethink’s total failure to support me just when I needed it most.

Throughout this whole time I’ve managed to avoid the trap of slipping back into survival mode to get through. I did that my keeping things that really help me do more than survive at the fore front. For instance, going out to sit under my tree with my camera is really important to me. I love to sit there watching the tide go in or out, watching nature and photographing the constantly changing scene in front of me. I love to do that and find it very healing and soothing. 

Also actively following closely events in sports that I love to watch and be a part of makes a huge difference to me. 

Last Thursday I had a fantastic afternoon when the cycling Tour of Britain came to my home town. I managed to get a place right on the front on the finishing strait and got loads of great shots of the cyclists as they came in towards the finish. I thoroughly enjoyed that and it gave me a feeling of being involved in something much bigger than myself. I know that feeling makes such a difference to how I feel. I also coped really well with the crowds. That was an area I saw huge improvement, usually I avoid crowds like the plague.

Those things have all helped me make it through and make it through without shutting down and battening down the hatches.

Now I feel like I’m on the homeward strait. 

‘K’ is back to work this coming week. I’m due to see her on Friday. It’s been a long three weeks but I’m so proud of myself that I’ve gotten through without shutting down completely, and that’s a first. I think I’m going to make it through to Friday just fine although it’ll also be an enormous relief to get to Friday and see “K” again.

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