I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Wednesday, 2 November 2011


Yesterday I had my third therapeutic massage. It went amazingly well. My massage therapist had a strategy and it worked. I was so tense throughout the last massage that it felt at times more like an endurance exercise than a healing relaxing massage!

I had actually been looking forward to yesterday’s massage which was a good sign and slept well the night before which was another good sign. 

On my way to the massage I witnessed a cyclist nearly get killed as he took a corner too fast, hit the curb, came off his bike in front of a double-decker bus which had to slam it’s brakes on to stop in time. The cyclist had shot past me while I was stood at the bus stop at the bottom of a steep hill. As he shot past me I thought “he’s going way too fast, there’s no way he’s going to make the corner” but hoped I was wrong. I turned my head to look for my bus and heard a loud exclamation in a man’s voice. I knew what it was as I turned back to see the bike on the ground and a double-decker bus screeching to a halt. I couldn’t believe what I’d just witnessed, I knew the cyclist was going too fast but assumed he knew what he was doing. If he had come round that corner a couple of seconds later he’d have been under the wheels of the bus, such are the margins between life and death.

I was still thinking about that event as I arrived for my massage and was wondering how I was going to re-focus my mind and calm my shocked thoughts down. 

I didn’t know that my massage therapist had been wondering how to help me relax and had a plan.

As I settled on to the massage couch she asked me to tell her about my Christmas plans which I’d mentioned in passing last time. So I told her what I have planned for this year. We went on to chat about memories of previous Christmas trips and other things. In the end we chatted away for the entire hour. 

I could not believe it when the hour was up. I’m not one for chatting and making small talk but by getting me chatting my mind was diverted from the fact I was having a massage. So it meant I was more relaxed and didn’t grip my hands like I had during the first two massages. There was still some tension in my body and she needed to massage the tension out of the top of my left arm at the end of the massage before I could get up.

There were moments during the massage when I actually enjoyed it. I noticed was surprised. My massage therapist commented on how well I’m doing and how amazed she is by my progress. She was really happy to see me a little more relaxed.

My next massage is booked for three week’s time.

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