I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Tuesday, 13 December 2011


Today was my 5th massage with Juliette. I'm truly amazed at the progress I'm making. She commented herself today that considering the first two times I felt physically sick then the next two weeks I could hardly move at the end for all the stored up tension in my arms that for me to be so relaxed today is HUGE. I was feeling tense coming to the massage but also looking forward to it at the same time. I told Juliette how I caught myself thinking “that was nice, really nice” as I walked away after last time's massage. We also talked about how to start with my body registered touch as pain and then I blanked out the sensation of being touched. Now I'm slowly allowing myself to feel the touch and to recognise how good it feels on occasion.

Today during the massage we were chatting and I realised I'd tuned out and not felt the feel of the massage and had to re-tune myself in and focus. The few times I managed that I really felt the niceness of it and allowed myself to enjoy it which is huge progress.

My next one is booked for 10am on Tuesday 3rd January, so that'll be a good start to the new year, funny it should be the first thing I do in the new year too!!

Hopefully I'll have plenty to talk about then!

I wonder how long it will be before I feel comfortable and safe enough with Juliette to move on from just my back, neck and shoulders to somewhere else. That question is playing on my mind a lot. I wondered that a lot during today's massage. It's amazing the things my mind does while I'm trying to have a massage!

Why is it I can't just enjoy where I'm at and acknowledge and honour the progress I've made without thinking of how better I could make it?

I guess writing this is about stopping a moment and saying “wow, what progress I've made, I'd never have thought this possible not so long ago!”

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