During the last few weeks I have experienced something new which has thrown up some very interesting and hard issues. I got angry with my therapist and expressed that anger towards her.
That was seismic!! It was massive!!
I’ve always been scared of my anger because of the powerful energy it contains. I’ve also been scared about my anger because of the destructive and violent ways in which I experienced anger being expressed throughout my childhood.
In my relationships I keep any anger towards the person strictly to myself and avoid expressing it because of my fears around rejection and so on.
So for me to be angry towards someone and also to express that anger to them in a very clear way was a totally new experience for me.
Before this happened I had had three sessions with my therapist talking about my anger about the abuse and its effects upon my life. I had done some very expressive art work and thought I’d processed a lot to do with the anger and so was ok with it.
I was wrong. Yes I had processed a lot but in all honesty had only just begun exploring it. The anger continued simmering away under the surface until a sequence of events caused it to explode out.
It was a very bizarre sequence of events involving major tooth problems for me which led to me having to cancel a therapy appointment - my therapist being ill which led to her cancelling an appointment at very short notice - plus several other factors which all combined together to bring my anger very raw and full of energy right to the surface.
Everything exploded out during a very difficult phone conversation with my therapist. That was followed by several text messages on both sides attempting to calm things down.
I struggled to deal with how I felt about being angry. I was struggling with how strongly I had reacted and how unfair I felt I was being towards my therapist. I struggled with the fear that my therapist was really angry with me and maybe wouldn’t want to carry on working with me. It was very raw painful stuff.
Another factor is that it’s also still very new for me to feel. No longer am I in a numb place. So I am experiencing feelings at very extreme levels and don’t seem able to regulate my feelings and reactions.
The following week I was sick with anxiety going to my therapy appointment. It was one of those situations where I knew I had to face it otherwise it would have gotten far harder to deal with.
What came out of it all was the realisation that my therapist is NOT going to reject me because I was angry towards her. Also my therapist is NOT going to make things difficult for me because of it either. The relationship continues intact with very open communication on both sides about what happened and how we both felt about it.
In addition I discovered that I can be angry and express that anger in constructive non-violent and non-abusive ways.
It was a HUGE learning experience for me. There is still part of me waiting for something bad to happen because of it and it is very disorientating that only good stuff is happening because of the events that occurred.
It’s all been immensely traumatic and also strangely positive.