I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Sunday, 29 January 2012


The week before last was a totally crazy week which I’m still recovering from. 

It began well enough with a very good counselling session on the Monday. On Tuesday 17 January I was booked to see my CPN who I last saw five weeks previously on 16th December. I really needed the appointment, big time needed it!

I set off for my appointment preparing myself for a heavy hour catching up and discussing all that I’ve been busy processing during the last few weeks. 

Just fifteen minutes before my appointment I was wandering through a local park just five minutes away from where I was due to have my appointment when my mobile rang, or rather vibrated in my pocket, as I had it set on silent ahead of my appointment.

I answered it to hear an unfamiliar voice say “I’m phoning you to tell you that your appointment with ‘K’ has been cancelled, a crisis has come up”. At first I thought it was a wind up and said “what?” She repeated herself and I realised it wasn’t a wind up. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I went into a trauma response as my mind froze and my body froze. I said “what am I supposed to do with this, I was due to see her in 10/15 minutes, you can’t just cancel it so close to the appointment, that’s crazy, I need this appointment, it’s been over a month since I saw her.” The unfamiliar voice said “I’m just passing on a message” and the line went dead. I stood in the park unable to take in what had just happened. I couldn’t process it. 

I don’t know what happened or where I went during the following half hour, I just walked around dazed and dissociated. 

Half an hour after the phone call I found myself outside the place where my appointment was supposed to be and thought to myself “how the hell did I get here? What the hell am I doing here? My appointment’s been cancelled.” At the same time there was a little voice at the back of my mind saying “you don’t have to handle this alone, ‘H’ has said many times to you that you can phone her if something happens.

‘H’ is my Rethink mental health recovery support worker.

I knew I had her phone number in my Blackberry so I found it and pressed dial without even thinking. A male worker I know answered and passed me over to her. ‘H’ was really shocked that I phoned. Her reaction was “it can’t be Fi, she never phones”. She was all the more shocked when I told her what had happened. It was good she was free. She told me to go straight there.

I really surprised myself in phoning ‘H’. I’m so used to handling things alone because I’ve always had to. In making that call I realise I’m slowly changing and getting my head around the fact that I have support now and don’t have to deal with things alone any more.

When I got to Rethink I realised that it has become a very safe space for me. I talked through my shock with ‘H’ who helped me express some very uncomfortable emotions and processes. She asked me if I wanted to speak to the Duty mental health worker, I said “yes because someone needed to know I’d been thrown into crisis by it”. ‘H’ arranged for the Duty worker to phone me. I had a really helpful conversation with her. I felt really validated and heard by her and that made such a difference to me. The Crisis Team were also put on hold in case they were needed out of hours later in the day or overnight.

Due to that phone call and my chat with ‘H’ I was able to leave Rethink feeling safe and headed down to my tree for some grounding and soothing tree time before heading home safe and feeling less likely to self-harm. I felt I'd be able to get through till my CPN phoned me in the evening, which she did to apologise and re-arrange our appointment for Friday.

I got to Thursday and my appointment with my sexual abuse therapist. I was still feeling fragile, thrown and wobbly by Tuesday’s events. I arrived early for my appointment. The person who answered the intercom was my CPN. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to see her or speak to her. I didn’t realise how sore I was still feeling about what had happened. 

After saying hi and being let in I went on to sit in the waiting room for my therapist to arrive. Just a couple minutes later my CPN walked in saying “I don’t want to do this to you.” I looked up in surprise and disbelief and heard myself jerk out “no, oh no, not twice in 48 hours, the first time sent me to the edge do you really want to tip me over?” She said “I’m sorry but I’ve been told “M” is off sick today”. My body and mind froze and I struggled to get words out. I said mechanically “no, no, something’s not right here I haven’t had any messages from ‘M’”. I knew ‘M’ would attempt to contact me if there was a problem, she has done in the past. My CPN confirmed what she’d been told. 

I felt like re-arranging the furniture in the room. I couldn’t take in what was happening. I was holding a glass of water and had a tough time talking myself down from throwing it in my CPN’s face. I knew it wouldn’t have been a good idea but was scarily just one flick of the wrist away from doing so. 

That was really scary because I’m not someone who goes around throwing chairs around or water into people’s faces. 

It’s frightening to realise how out of character you can react when taken to the edge!

There was enormous relief when the receptionist walked in a moment later and said ‘M’ had arrived after all. By then I was feeling totally numb. I just stared in disbelief and shook my head at the cock-up. I still couldn’t believe it until ‘M’ herself appeared a few moments later. She was extremely angry at what had happened and even angrier when she was made aware of the context the mix up was made in. 

What happened over those two days no-one could have predicted. I already knew change unsettles me after the events of the last 3 months. I’ve had appointments cancelled on the day before but never at such short notice. It really messes with my head when it happens but I could not know how such a short notice cancellation would affect me. 

At least now I know. And all those involved in my care know too!

Even though the events threw me into major crisis I learned amazing stuff about myself and how far I’ve come as a result. And that was very useful. It’s funny how things turn out!

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