I was feeling very nervous last Tuesday morning because I'd decided that I was going to take things a stage further and allow her to move on to massaging my lower back. We discussed it as a possibility last time.
So I was a total bundle of nerves that morning. But once there I knew it was the right decision despite the nerves and fear coursing through my system.
It would have been so easy to bottle out but I nervously found the courage to say I'd thought about it and decided to give it a go, see how I felt, see how it felt. She was really pleased I'd made that decision and also realised how hard it had been to decide that and go with it.
I just had to undo my trousers so she could turn them down to get to my lower back. I noticed she turned the top of my knickers down as well. I kept telling myself why I was allowing it and that it was safe. It was a really strange feeling being touched there. It felt totally safe and ok on one level but on another it felt very risky too. It felt very intimate although it wasn't. I had to tell myself so many times that it was ok and totally non-sexual.
It's been at least over 25 years since any human being touched me there, maybe even over 30 years.
For the touch to be gentle, wanted and loving rather than rough, unwanted and abusive was a lot for me to process at the same time as processing how it felt. It felt good though scary.
It would have been very easy for my mind to have wandered to images of people and places that would have been really painful. But she kept me talking and that, along with my positive self-talk kept my mind from wandering too far into those memories.
It was hard but nowhere near as hard as I thought it would be.
Wandering down the road afterwards I was hit by many thoughts such as “you did what?” you allowed her to touch you where?” “are you crazy?” “what were you thinking?” as well as by a wall of darkness which I knew was related to fear and shame from the past, especially from the SRA.
It took me a little while but I was able to calm everything down and remind myself and all my child parts who were freaking out that it had been safe and about healing not abuse.
I'm now looking forward to my next massage week after next and seeing how it will feel 2nd time around!