I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Monday, 13 February 2012


My massage went very well today. Juliette's using a new massage oil today which smells wonderful. She played a CD of Gregorian chants which she's just bought. I found that very relaxing, far more relaxing than the one she normally plays.

She gave me a really good massage all over my back and shoulders. She found all the tense spots and gave them a fab massage. I stayed present through probably about 75% of it which was a huge step forward. We talked about all sorts of stuff. She told me she was raped by a police officer last year so she really understands the damage as well as my feelings about the police and the justice system. I told her I'd been raped as an adult as well as in childhood. It was good to talk so openly and know we really understand each other. I had been wondering why it is that she really gets it – the damage and how huge this is for me, now I know why.

Juliette said she's amazed at how I've survived what I have survived and that at long last I'm standing up for myself instead of cowering down.

At the end of the massage I went to get off the table and the pain across my lower back was bad, I actually 'ouched' my way off. It was obvious how much pain I was in. I'd really relaxed my upper body but the tension had stored itself in my lower back. It's a while since I've had pain there apart from in bed when I feel it a lot. Juliette suggested that next time she could massage me in that area too. I wouldn't have to take my trousers off, I could keep them on, just undo them so she can turn the back down to massage that area. She said to me to think about it and let her know next time.

I'm thinking I'll probably be able to say 'yes' and give it a go, nothing ventured nothing gained!

I've been wondering how long it would be until I felt able to consider talking with Juliette about extending the area massaged so I feel this could be the opportunity I've been looking for to give it a try.

I'll have to see how I feel but I know I trust her now. And I also know I'm safe if I dissociate and safe if I don't. That's a great place to be. That was massage number 9 so that's incredible progress in a relatively short space of time!

I'm amazed at me and the calculated risks I'm now taking to move forward and keep working at healing. I've really discovered over the last few months that my gut intuition is always right so I can trust my gut and let that guide me rather than have my fear hold me back.

And I think that's an incredible place to get to!!

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