During the last couple of weeks I've been able to begin to talk about the tremendous loss and horror I endured in losing so many babies when I was just a kid with my counsellor.
It is a HUGE step for me to begin to examine what happened and begin to talk about what it was really like.
Between the age of 13 and 15 I had several miscarriages. I also lost 2 babies through forced abortions/partial births carried out by my mother.
It was a horrendous time which I'd never forgotten but also never been able to face. In fact I never ever thought I'd be able to tell another human being what happened, partially because it was so horrific but also because I never thought anyone would believe someone could be so evil in committing such terrible acts. I've carried a lot of shame about the forced abortions too!
Two weeks ago I was talking to my counsellor I was hit by an enormous wave of sadness. I didn't know what had hit me or what it was in relation to. It was only on reflection that I realised that it was actually deep grief and it was related to the babies I lost. I realised I was going to have to find the courage to talk about them. It was the first time that I've been hit with very strong emotions and haven't shrunk back or dissociated. I think that was massive and showed how safe I feel with my counsellor. It was a new experience to feel the emotions, to sit with them, and do or say nothing other than just sitting with the very painful and uncomfortable feelings.
At my appointment the following the week I told my counsellor what had happened and what I'd realised about it. I had mentioned a while ago that I lost several babies but didn't go into details. During this appointment I began to talk about what happened during the partial births/forced abortions. It was a very painful but also releasing appointment.
Last week I began to talk about how they had then been murdered. I began to return to the horror of it and found it very hard to find words but I stuck with it. We had a very painful but helpful hour. At the end of it my counsellor offered me an extended appointment for the next week. She felt the enormity of where we are and wanted me to feel safe enough without too much pressure of time. So she asked me “how do you feel about extending to an hour and a half?” I said I was happy with that and that I thought it'd be good if I could do something with paper and pens next week rather than struggling to find words. My counsellor confirmed that will be ok.
I'm aware that I'm on the threshold of a really BIG development for me. Part of me is terrified but part of me is exhilarated too! It's a strange combination of emotions I wouldn't have expected!! It's also a sign of how safe and accepted I feel in the presence of my counsellor. So I take the next step this coming Monday afternoon!