I can't believe it's April and will soon be Easter, this year is going so fast. I'm finding it really hard to take in all that's happened during the first quarter of this year. It's been one massive roller-coaster after another. It's no wonder that I'm feeling so totally drained. The last time I felt this emotionally and mentally drained was the months that followed the CPS decision to drop the case against my abusers in the autumn of 2010. I guess in some ways all the crap going on with the police is a constant reminder of that trauma and the total lack of justice.
I met with my CPN this week after a break of three weeks due to her having had leave. I said that when it comes to the police stuff I feel like I'm locked in somewhere really dark and banging and shouting but no-one's hearing me. She reminded me that there are people in my life who are hearing me and totally believing me. It's good to be reminded of that.
Getting the Criminal Injuries compensation was unexpected but couldn't have been timed better with all that's going on with my disability benefits. It still feels very unreal! I guess it won't feel really real until the bills come next month showing my debts all paid off. It's really nice to have money in the bank for once in my life. It's a huge relief to be free of all that debt. What a transformation that's brought to my life. It feels incredible to have the crimes recognised in such a way.
There is a part of me that is driven – driven for justice – just as there's a part of me that's driven – driven to heal. It's a good driven. For much of my life the quest to just survive and stay alive was what drove me. Now I'm on a quest to heal, to get my life back, to get some quality of life into that life, to start to unpack my childhood and begin to put it to rest little by little.
Talking with my sexual abuse therapist last Thursday she said there were several sessions worth of stuff to work through in just a couple of sentences I used. It would be easy to be totally overwhelmed by the size of the task ahead of me. It's good to remind myself how far I've come.
In some ways I don't recognise myself from just a few months ago. My life has changed in so many ways. I have so much support now. The way I view my childhood and the abuse is very different as is the way I perceive things which are bad that happen in my life. Instead of perceiving them within the mental framework of “I am bad, nothing good happens to me, I deserve bad stuff to happen” etc. I'm now able to perceive things in a much more abstract way and so am internalising things less which in turn is making me more relaxed about life and life events than I have previously been. The way I process things and deal with things has changed massively.
Being believed has made such a difference to me on many levels. I know what my truth is and I'm determined to live in that truth and not subscribe to any more lies or denial about my childhood and how the abuse has affected my life. I've discovered I have a very low tolerance for people around me who do that.
I had re-introduced touch into my life. I've done a little bit of research and discovered it will cost at least £38 for an hour's massage, privately. If I have to go that route, I have to, but I hope not to have to and that Quiet Mind will be able to find someone to replace Juliette. I'm still really shocked about the bombshell of her leaving and the manner of her leaving and wondering what to do about it. One thing's for sure I cannot go back to no touch in my life. As my CPN said this morning when we were discussing it, that would be a backwards step.
Easter brings with it new beginnings.
There have been many new beginnings in my life over the last couple of years and that is set to continue and I'm sure increase as I move deeper into therapy and deeper into healing.
Of course there is the financial new start which I've been given in addition. And that is a wonderful gift for which I am immensely thankful.
The main challenge I'm facing over the next couple of months is the change to my CPN. Kathy and I briefly discussed how I'm feeling about that. She re-assured me that she intends for it to happen gently and gradually rather than suddenly and that she will be happy to talk through my thoughts and feelings about it when we next meet.
My Rethink worker is also going to do some work with me around change and developing skills to enable me to handle changes that are outside of my control easier. My counsellor has also offered me extra support during the time of the changeover.
What's wonderful is that what I'm feeling and thinking about it is not being belittled but rather recognised and understood. I still find it hard to be really honest about how I feel with my workers. But I'm finding that when I do find the courage from somewhere to be honest about my thoughts and feelings I'm being heard, respected and understood, rather than belittled, disrespected and put down.
Slowly the old tapes in my head of how I expect people to react to me are being replaced with more positive constructive responses.