I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Monday, 18 June 2012


Thanks to my compensation I now have choices financially. One of those choices is to pay privately for massage in the hope I will have something I can rely upon better than the current shambles with Quiet Mind.

So last Monday I paid £38 for an hour's massage with a private therapist who works for Exmouth Osteopathy Centre.

It went incredibly well. She's been doing massage for over twenty years. After the expected medical questions she asked me why I'm having massage, saying if she knew my reasons for needing massage then she'd have some idea of how to work with me.

She really 'got' the reason why I have massage and why having massage I can really depend upon matters so much to me – that it's all about getting safe touch back into my life in a therapeutic environment - you simply cannot do that on last minute cancellations and anything up to six weeks between appointments.

We discussed where I want to be touched and how much. I agreed for the first time ever to take everything off my top half. That was a MASSIVE step for me emotionally and I reckon it's going to take a few goes before I get used to how that felt. I felt very vulnerable and exposed although I was covered with a towel. It was a HUGE step!! My massage therapist said she thought it would be good to use some aromatherapy oils to help me relax and checked I was ok with that before mixing and using a gentle combination of lavender and camomile with a couple of other oils.

I settled under the towel and the hour's massage went very well. She did all she could to put me at my ease and I felt safe and ok with her, which was a good start.

I was very tense all the way through despite feeling relatively safe with her. But I did find her massage relaxing. It was a strange combination of tension and relaxation. I guess it was more being on guard and making sure it really was safe.

My massage therapist told me she could tell my neck and lower back need a lot of work and that I have a lot of pain and stored tension in those places. I totally agreed with her, I'm not sure which is worse - my neck or my lower back. She went on to say most people undress to their pants. I didn't make a comment as I knew that would be way too far for me to go. That is virtually naked and no way can I do that, even if I am lying under a towel and she can't see anything and doesn't want to see anything [which in some ways is more important]. It's too big a step for me emotionally and mentally. However, I decided to buy a pair of loose shorts to change into for massage as a compromise between staying in trousers/crops or dressing down to underwear and hope that'll work ok.

I see her again in two weeks time because I can only afford to pay private fees on a fortnightly basis.

In the meantime I am due to see my usual massage therapist tomorrow at Quiet Mind after a six week break due to her cancelling an appointment three weeks ago at very short notice and not being able to offer an alternative. That was the final straw for me and made me realise I was going to have to go private to be able to have massage I could rely on.

I'm just glad that for the next few months private massage is an option for me. Without the compensation that would not have been an option for me. To be honest what I need to heal is of primary importance in my life right now. Massage is just as important as counselling or therapy and needs to be given the same level of commitment and dependability, as much as possible.

When I see Donna tomorrow I will be saying something about how badly affected and inconvenienced I have been by the ridiculous six week gap in appointments. What I will actually say I don't know. I had a really bad dream about it last night. I always find it very difficult to say when I've been so negatively affected and impacted as I have been by that situation.

I'm so glad to have taken the step I have so that whatever massages I am able to get at Quiet Mind will be a bonus but at least I won't have to rely on them for the deep emotional healing that having massage is all about.

Probably for the first time in my life I have recognised what I need and why, accepted it, prioritised it and done something positive about it. And that is a HUGE step for me.

Monday, 11 June 2012


I saw my counsellor Tina last Friday, the day before was 7 June, one year exactly since I first started seeing her. In some ways a year feels like such a long time but it feels like it's gone in the blink of an eye!!

So much has happened during that year that it's quite overwhelming to think of.

I've changed and developed so much in that time!!

Also, one year ago I could never have dreamed of having all the support I now have.

When I first met with Tina I had no real idea of what I was walking into although I did feel it was going to have a huge impact on my life. I was very right about that. The impact of our work together has been very profound and I imagine, lasting.

There have been lots of changes, for instance -

    in how I view my childhood and the crimes that were committed against me
    in how I view myself in relation to others
    in how I feel about myself
    in what I believe now about myself as opposed to what my abusers programmed me to believe about   myself
   in how emotionally honest and real I am to myself and other people
   in that I'm going through life feeling now rather than being totally numb

That's a shorter list that I originally intended to write. As soon as I began to try to list the immense changes and healing that have occurred my mind went completely blank. But it gives you an idea anyway.

I am wondering how much longer I'll be working with Tina. I know that a lot of that is anxiety that maybe she'll turn around and say we've been working long enough I should be ok on my own now – or something like that – although I cannot see or imagine Tina doing anything like that. A lot of that is linked to stuff from the past about nothing really good lasts etc. It's good to be aware of the processes that are going on for me, it somehow makes them a little easier to cope with. So then I ask myself whether it really matters how long we've been working together. And I know the real answer is that actually it doesn't.

The work Tina and I have done together has been phenomenal and has impacted hugely on me and I'm very glad it happened. I am looking forward to see where we go from here.


It's less than three weeks since I returned home from my trip to Cumbria although it feels much longer than that.

I've been talking with my sexual abuse trauma therapist in our last two sessions about what happened during that trip and how I was.

The main thing to come out of it is the realisation that I did all my planning from a shut down place not accounting for how much I've opened up as a result of the healing work I've been doing.

I knew I'd healed and changed a lot but hadn't realised or considered the extent to which that affects how I deal with things and process emotions.

Also, because I've been to Cumbria in the past and dealt with difficult situations without it seemingly affecting me, I assumed I'd be ok this time. But because I'm not emotionally shut down these days it was a very different scenario.

I did all my planning from a place I used to be assuming I was still there and then discovered I'm actually in a different place!!

Throughout the trip memories and trauma were right on the surface or only just below. Although I was telling myself I was safe and it was ok my body was saying something very different. My body was experiencing the trauma and trauma memories and that stress manifested itself through illness.

It's been a very good learning experience to realise how wrongly I read myself and where I was at. I also didn't realise quite how my healing was affecting my emotional processing and what that actually meant in practice, in reality!

I'm going through life feeling now, even when I don't even realise it, and that makes such a huge difference. At least I've realised that now!

I'm really glad I went to Cumbria. It was the first time I've visited my home town without anything untoward happening. 'They' have no inkling I was there. I've been and gone without 'them' knowing anything of it. That makes me feel very powerful, very powerful indeed. And, wow, that's a good feeling. Finally I have some power over 'them' after a lifetime of 'them' having all the power over me!!! There are no words for how that really feels!!

The best thing is come out of it is to know I can visit my home town in total safety!!

I have great memories and fabulous photos too – the kind of photos I've longed to be able to take myself!

It's good to have dreams and to be able to realise some of those dreams. That was also part of what the trip was about.

So, on looking back, overall I had a really good time and the trip was successful in lots of ways I could not ever have imagined possible!