I saw my counsellor Tina last Friday, the day before was 7 June, one year exactly since I first started seeing her. In some ways a year feels like such a long time but it feels like it's gone in the blink of an eye!!
So much has happened during that year that it's quite overwhelming to think of.
I've changed and developed so much in that time!!
Also, one year ago I could never have dreamed of having all the support I now have.
When I first met with Tina I had no real idea of what I was walking into although I did feel it was going to have a huge impact on my life. I was very right about that. The impact of our work together has been very profound and I imagine, lasting.
There have been lots of changes, for instance -
in how I view my childhood and the crimes that were committed against me
in how I view myself in relation to others
in how I feel about myself
in what I believe now about myself as opposed to what my abusers programmed me to believe about myself
in how emotionally honest and real I am to myself and other people
in that I'm going through life feeling now rather than being totally numb
That's a shorter list that I originally intended to write. As soon as I began to try to list the immense changes and healing that have occurred my mind went completely blank. But it gives you an idea anyway.
I am wondering how much longer I'll be working with Tina. I know that a lot of that is anxiety that maybe she'll turn around and say we've been working long enough I should be ok on my own now – or something like that – although I cannot see or imagine Tina doing anything like that. A lot of that is linked to stuff from the past about nothing really good lasts etc. It's good to be aware of the processes that are going on for me, it somehow makes them a little easier to cope with. So then I ask myself whether it really matters how long we've been working together. And I know the real answer is that actually it doesn't.
The work Tina and I have done together has been phenomenal and has impacted hugely on me and I'm very glad it happened. I am looking forward to see where we go from here.