It's less than three weeks since I returned home from my trip to Cumbria although it feels much longer than that.
I've been talking with my sexual abuse trauma therapist in our last two sessions about what happened during that trip and how I was.
The main thing to come out of it is the realisation that I did all my planning from a shut down place not accounting for how much I've opened up as a result of the healing work I've been doing.
I knew I'd healed and changed a lot but hadn't realised or considered the extent to which that affects how I deal with things and process emotions.
Also, because I've been to Cumbria in the past and dealt with difficult situations without it seemingly affecting me, I assumed I'd be ok this time. But because I'm not emotionally shut down these days it was a very different scenario.
I did all my planning from a place I used to be assuming I was still there and then discovered I'm actually in a different place!!
Throughout the trip memories and trauma were right on the surface or only just below. Although I was telling myself I was safe and it was ok my body was saying something very different. My body was experiencing the trauma and trauma memories and that stress manifested itself through illness.
It's been a very good learning experience to realise how wrongly I read myself and where I was at. I also didn't realise quite how my healing was affecting my emotional processing and what that actually meant in practice, in reality!
I'm going through life feeling now, even when I don't even realise it, and that makes such a huge difference. At least I've realised that now!
I'm really glad I went to Cumbria. It was the first time I've visited my home town without anything untoward happening. 'They' have no inkling I was there. I've been and gone without 'them' knowing anything of it. That makes me feel very powerful, very powerful indeed. And, wow, that's a good feeling. Finally I have some power over 'them' after a lifetime of 'them' having all the power over me!!! There are no words for how that really feels!!
The best thing is come out of it is to know I can visit my home town in total safety!!
I have great memories and fabulous photos too – the kind of photos I've longed to be able to take myself!
It's good to have dreams and to be able to realise some of those dreams. That was also part of what the trip was about.
So, on looking back, overall I had a really good time and the trip was successful in lots of ways I could not ever have imagined possible!