I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. Without God's intervention in my life I wouldn't be here - NOW is the time for me to tell MY story by speaking the TRUTH about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being restored. This blog has helped me begin to get my voice back and documents the journey God is taking me on to heal me from the trauma and damage caused by that most appalling abuse.

Friday, 24 August 2012

GOING TO SCOTLAND


Today I’m heading off on the first leg of my long awaited and planned for trip to Scotland. I’m travelling to London to stay overnight before going on to Inverness on Saturday. Saturday will be a very long day – over eight hours travelling from London to Inverness. I am actually looking forward to that very long journey because I’m going to be in first class with free wi-fi and I’ve loaded four feature length films on to my laptop to keep me occupied!!

I can’t quite take in that I am going today and that I am going to be travel in the comfort and luxury of first class train travel all the way as it is such a long journey. 

I’ve wanted to do this trip ever since I saw it first advertised by Travelsphere nearly four years ago but I couldn’t do it because my priority was always ensuring I could afford to go away at Christmas to have a Christmas and it took me all year to save up. 

When I got my compensation earlier this year I knew I could do it. This trip was the first thing I booked after hearing the news of the compensation award. I remember getting up at 5.30am the morning after getting my award letter and booking the holiday online.

Wanting to do this trip for so long and being unable to for such a long time makes it all the more special that I’m about to go on it and also adds to the unreal feel of it. 

I’ve been so used throughout my life to having no options and not being able to do anything and not having any money that it’s really strange now to have option.

It’s still quite hard to get my head round the fact that I got the compensation and why I got it. It’s also still tough to get my head round that I can use that money to do nice things. The most wonderful thing is that it has given me options for the first time in my life.

My therapist said to me yesterday to consider all I’ve gone through in my life, and during the last couple of years in particular, in order to get that compensation and to see that I deserve it and I deserve the luxury of travelling in first class. It’s hard for me to see that but there is a part of my which does believe her a little bit. And that little bit is enough for me at this moment in time.

It’s going to be one heck of a treat I know that. The itinerary just drips great things. The Jacobite steam train from Inverness to Mallaig - the west highland line from Fort William to Kyle of Lochalsh - the Strathspey steam railway – Glenfinnan viaduct – Bonnie Prince Charlie’s monument – Eilean Donnan Castle – views of Skye - Cairngorm Funicular railway – lunch at Ptarmigan Restaurant at top of Cairngorm – Culloden – Loch Ness – and whatever else turns up along the way. Not forgetting catching up with my friend in Inverness on my last day there. I’ve not seen her for about 13 years and am looking forward to that.

I’m just hoping my health and energy levels help get me through, although I’m sure a lot of adrenalin will be in my system getting me through too!!!

Most of all it’s going to be lovely to be back in a part of the world is very special to me and which holds a lot of not too bad childhood memories to me. I’m going to be touching on many childhood memories during the next week. It’s going to be interesting to see how that affects me and how I process what comes up because as I reminded myself when talking to my therapist yesterday – I am doing all this from a ‘feeling’ place now rather than a numb place.

All the same it’s going to be an exciting adventure. Most of all I’m creating happy memories for myself now and of course will come back with tons of photos!!!

My therapist said to me yesterday - "you have created this opportunity for yourself by the decisions and choices you've made during the last couple of years. If you hadn't picked up the phone to the police in March 2010 then there would have been no possibility of criminal injuries compensation even though all charges against your abusers were dropped, and anyone sitting in that first class carriage who was told what you’ve been through would agree that you deserve it"

I do see her point!!

Sunday, 19 August 2012

RESUMING THERAPY


I’ve been working very intensely in therapy for 8-months now and have developed a strong trusting relationship with my therapist. She went on extended leave of a month in the middle of July. Approaching this time I had to deal with my strong and deep abandonment stuff as well as wondering how on earth I was going to get through that time. 

My therapist spoke to my CPN and got her to give me extra support while she was away. I was also very well supported by my counsellor who I’ve also got a very sound trusting safe relationship with. Between the pair of them I had loads of support and was able to discuss all the uncomfortable thoughts, feelings and processes that were going on for me during my therapist’s leave.

I was also able from our discussions to ease back and reframe the time as having a break from working on all the stuff me and my therapist work on. It is impossible to take a break from it all as I live with it 24/7, but taking a break from working on it though hard was also necessary. 

I realised I was totally drained, mentally and emotionally, and found I actually really needed that break. I know too that I would not have stopped had my therapist not taken leave which is something I have discussed with her on her return from leave and we have a strategy in place for dealing better with the strain of what therapy involves.

This summer has been quite an adventure. I’ve learned a lot about how deep the abandonment is, I recognise some of its roots and have been able to get past the shame that surrounds it to be able to discuss it with my counsellor and CPN and now my therapist on her return from leave.

I’m already feeling a lot better for the forced break from therapy. I’m feeling much more refreshed and more able to return to very painful subjects, memories and the rigours of therapy which I’ve found, though healing in the long run and also seeing short term benefits, places in under enormous strain which I hadn’t realised till the enforced break during my therapist’s leave. I’ve learned a lot during our first 8-months of work. We have discussed it last week and she said to me that we will have intense sessions interspersed with deliberately lighter ones to help me cope better with the strain and sheer hard work of therapy.

I saw my therapist for the first time since her return from leave last week. In the past when people have taken leave I’ve been very shut down and protective on their return and it usually took a bit of time to redevelop the rapport and trust. So I was really concerned about how I’d cope with seeing her again after such a long gap. 

I was astounded by myself because I found I was not shut down, defensive or protective. 

Although I felt tentative I communicated very openly and trustingly. I realised just what a quality of relationship we and how safe I actually feel with her. 

Also, from the outset she was very concerned to learn how I’d really felt about her taking leave, how it had affected me and how I’d processed it which helped me open up a lot and discuss all that’s gone on during the last few weeks knowing that I was in a safe and compassionate understanding environment. I was very glad that she cut to the chase like that which made it easier for me.

Towards the end of the session I returned to the art work I did in our last session to discuss it and how I feel about it.

I had taken to the session the only photo I have of myself as a child. I am aged 6 in the photo and although I am smiling my eyes tell another story. She was very moved to see the photo and also sad to see the look in my child’s eyes. She also said that she had been wondering if I have any photos of myself as a child.

We talked much about the abandonment which began in the womb, carried on throughout my childhood in many ways and then ended with my being abandoned and left for dead in the snow aged 19. 

It’s so good to finally be able to begin to talk about it without all the shame that I’ve felt all my life about carrying such deep abandonment and about how it impacts on my life in very deep ways. We will carry on with that next week.

I was pleasantly surprised by myself and massively relieved that I was able to pick up from where I left off before she went on leave as if I’d been on hold rather than stopped in my tracks and having to try and find a way to start over.

I realised I’ve come a long way during the last few months and am beginning to be hopeful for a future – and that for the first time in my life.








Tuesday, 14 August 2012

MASSAGE


I’m progressing with massage and I think I am progressing well. I’m actually really surprised at how well I’m doing with it. It turned out to be really positive to have gone down the private massage route because at long last I have got some regularity I can rely on and a very understanding as well as highly experienced massage therapist. It was also good for me to take as much control as I could over something that was and is very important to me and is a vital component part of my support network and healing journey.

After 6-weeks it’s still a really strange and funny feeling to lie down under the towel naked to the waist at the start of each massage. It just goes against protective instinct I have. But I am very slowly getting used to it and above all else it feels very safe. If it didn’t feel safe or it stopped feeling safe for some reason then I wouldn’t be able to carry on with it.

Despite all that it’s a really scary and vulnerable feeling to get undressed and lie there waiting for her to come back in and mix her oils. But it’s very slowly lessening each time I do it. 

I’ve got a pair of shorts which I wear for each massage now. I keep the shorts in their own special place at home totally away from any other clothes because of the massage oil on them. They were a total inspiration and have helped make the massage possible. I was not comfortable with going down to my underwear and my massage therapist was only too happy for me to wear shorts as a compromise and wondered herself why she didn’t think of it herself! 

She began with just back and neck massage but the last three massages I’ve allowed her to work on my lower back areas. As long as we keep chatting all the way through it’s ok. I’ve begun to relax during the massages and to register the tour is safe and pleasant. I’ve also begun to look forward to having the massages now which is really amazing progress!

Towards the end of each massage she gets me to turn on my back so she can do some deeper massage to my neck from underneath without putting pressure on my spine or shoulders. The first time that happened I kept my eyes closed but was enormously triggered. I’ve found that as long as I keep my eyes open and focus on a particularly picture on the wall I’m nowhere near as badly triggered although I’m yet to really relax with that part, I know I’m very tense during that part of the massage.

However, my massage therapist is really pleased with the progress I’m making and how my body is responding to my massage and how it is now beginning to have a positive impact on my pain levels. I’m rather amazed with myself and cannot believe how well I’m doing with it all and with the huge positive affect it’s having on my life in many ways on many levels. 

I also cannot quite believe I’m doing it at all!!

THERAPY + LEAVE


I’ve been blocked from writing for several weeks now and it’s still really hard for me to write but I decided that an update on how things are going is extremely overdue!!!

The last couple of months or so have been a very intense time. I’ve been very focused on therapy and have been doing some very hard deep work with my counsellor as well as with my sexual abuse trauma therapist. I’ve also been developing my relationship with my child parts and growing in confidence in how I relate to them and support them.

Alongside all that tough work have been changes to my massage therapies and developing confidence in being seen in a swimming suit by regularly going swimming and to aqua fit classes.

I’ve been doing some deep trauma therapy around the Satanic Ritual Abuse and also the night I was beaten up and left for dead by my parents. Each of these is massive work as well as huge trauma and shock to my system. I’m only now realising how deeply those things traumatised me.

My therapist is on a month’s leave at the moment and it’s given me a chance to pause, catch a breath, to take stock of my progress and to also catch up on my blog which I’ve not had the emotional or mental energy to think about whilst deep in therapy.

When I knew she was going on leave for such a long time period I approached it with much trepidation wondering how I’d cope. I also wished many times she wasn’t going to take such a long time of leave and had to deal with a lot of really negative and difficult thoughts about it, many of which have their roots in abandonment. At the same time I knew that I was emotionally and mentally exhausted. Therapy is incredibly hard work and especially when you’re working on such deeply traumatic events. I actually needed the break as much as my therapist did and I didn’t fully realise that until she’d gone off on leave.

I’ve made a start and begun to talk about things I thought I’d never ever share with another human being. It would be easy to be paralysed by how far I know I have to go but I’m proud of the start I’ve made and of my progress.

My sexual abuse trauma therapist is back at work now after her extended leave. I’ve had a text message and an email from her. I will see her on Thursday afternoon. I discussed with my counsellor yesterday just deeply I’ve had to dig to get through the last month. One big area of improvement I’ve noticed has been that I am increasingly able to sit with my thoughts and feelings and not judge them or myself for them and have should and should not arguments. 

Understanding some of the roots of my thoughts, feelings, processes and reactions makes it a little easier to accept them for what they are and to accept myself a little bit more for what and who I am. In some ways the past month has gone incredibly quickly – in other ways I feel like I’ve lived through several lifetimes. But I have made it through her time off on extended leave and discovered some really helpful constructive things about myself in the process.