I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Tuesday, 14 August 2012


I’m progressing with massage and I think I am progressing well. I’m actually really surprised at how well I’m doing with it. It turned out to be really positive to have gone down the private massage route because at long last I have got some regularity I can rely on and a very understanding as well as highly experienced massage therapist. It was also good for me to take as much control as I could over something that was and is very important to me and is a vital component part of my support network and healing journey.

After 6-weeks it’s still a really strange and funny feeling to lie down under the towel naked to the waist at the start of each massage. It just goes against protective instinct I have. But I am very slowly getting used to it and above all else it feels very safe. If it didn’t feel safe or it stopped feeling safe for some reason then I wouldn’t be able to carry on with it.

Despite all that it’s a really scary and vulnerable feeling to get undressed and lie there waiting for her to come back in and mix her oils. But it’s very slowly lessening each time I do it. 

I’ve got a pair of shorts which I wear for each massage now. I keep the shorts in their own special place at home totally away from any other clothes because of the massage oil on them. They were a total inspiration and have helped make the massage possible. I was not comfortable with going down to my underwear and my massage therapist was only too happy for me to wear shorts as a compromise and wondered herself why she didn’t think of it herself! 

She began with just back and neck massage but the last three massages I’ve allowed her to work on my lower back areas. As long as we keep chatting all the way through it’s ok. I’ve begun to relax during the massages and to register the tour is safe and pleasant. I’ve also begun to look forward to having the massages now which is really amazing progress!

Towards the end of each massage she gets me to turn on my back so she can do some deeper massage to my neck from underneath without putting pressure on my spine or shoulders. The first time that happened I kept my eyes closed but was enormously triggered. I’ve found that as long as I keep my eyes open and focus on a particularly picture on the wall I’m nowhere near as badly triggered although I’m yet to really relax with that part, I know I’m very tense during that part of the massage.

However, my massage therapist is really pleased with the progress I’m making and how my body is responding to my massage and how it is now beginning to have a positive impact on my pain levels. I’m rather amazed with myself and cannot believe how well I’m doing with it all and with the huge positive affect it’s having on my life in many ways on many levels. 

I also cannot quite believe I’m doing it at all!!

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