I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Tuesday, 14 August 2012


I’ve been blocked from writing for several weeks now and it’s still really hard for me to write but I decided that an update on how things are going is extremely overdue!!!

The last couple of months or so have been a very intense time. I’ve been very focused on therapy and have been doing some very hard deep work with my counsellor as well as with my sexual abuse trauma therapist. I’ve also been developing my relationship with my child parts and growing in confidence in how I relate to them and support them.

Alongside all that tough work have been changes to my massage therapies and developing confidence in being seen in a swimming suit by regularly going swimming and to aqua fit classes.

I’ve been doing some deep trauma therapy around the Satanic Ritual Abuse and also the night I was beaten up and left for dead by my parents. Each of these is massive work as well as huge trauma and shock to my system. I’m only now realising how deeply those things traumatised me.

My therapist is on a month’s leave at the moment and it’s given me a chance to pause, catch a breath, to take stock of my progress and to also catch up on my blog which I’ve not had the emotional or mental energy to think about whilst deep in therapy.

When I knew she was going on leave for such a long time period I approached it with much trepidation wondering how I’d cope. I also wished many times she wasn’t going to take such a long time of leave and had to deal with a lot of really negative and difficult thoughts about it, many of which have their roots in abandonment. At the same time I knew that I was emotionally and mentally exhausted. Therapy is incredibly hard work and especially when you’re working on such deeply traumatic events. I actually needed the break as much as my therapist did and I didn’t fully realise that until she’d gone off on leave.

I’ve made a start and begun to talk about things I thought I’d never ever share with another human being. It would be easy to be paralysed by how far I know I have to go but I’m proud of the start I’ve made and of my progress.

My sexual abuse trauma therapist is back at work now after her extended leave. I’ve had a text message and an email from her. I will see her on Thursday afternoon. I discussed with my counsellor yesterday just deeply I’ve had to dig to get through the last month. One big area of improvement I’ve noticed has been that I am increasingly able to sit with my thoughts and feelings and not judge them or myself for them and have should and should not arguments. 

Understanding some of the roots of my thoughts, feelings, processes and reactions makes it a little easier to accept them for what they are and to accept myself a little bit more for what and who I am. In some ways the past month has gone incredibly quickly – in other ways I feel like I’ve lived through several lifetimes. But I have made it through her time off on extended leave and discovered some really helpful constructive things about myself in the process.

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