I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Monday, 22 October 2012


I’ve had a very good massage today and came home with lots of thoughts going through my head. 

Before going to today’s massage I had a glance back through my diary and realised it was my 10th massage today. I knew it had to be about that which is why I checked. 

Wow, what an achievement it is to have reached my 10th massage! And what an achievement it is that I’m allowing her to massage more than just my back and shoulders.

I’m really proud of how I stuck with it and how well I’m coping with being touched and allowing Caroline to move on to massage a new place each time.

We began with my shoulders, neck and upper back. After a couple of sessions I allowed her to massage my lower back as well. Then three weeks later I allowed her to move on to massage my buttocks. In doing that I discovered that some of my lower back pain and most of my leg pain is due to very tight muscles in my buttocks.  

After another couple of weeks I agreed to lie on my back to allow her to work on my arms and on the front of my neck/shoulders which is a very painful and tender area for me. 

I also feel very exposed lying on my back although I’m under towels. Lying on my back is very hard but I’m determined to push through that. The first time I had my eyes shut but found it too triggering so now I lie on my back and look at the ceiling and pictures on the wall to distract me from that fact that I’m lying on my back.

I’ve noticed that the muscles in all those areas are gradually loosening up and that massage is not as painful as it first once. As far as Caroline is concerned “I am doing really well and my body is responding to the massage and progressing amazingly well.”

I would never have envisaged I would have progressed as well as I have. It’s worth the £38 it costs me each time to see such progress both physically and emotionally.

1 comment:

Angela said...

Awesome! You give me the courage try.