I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Friday, 10 May 2013


The last few weeks since Easter seem to have totally flown by. Such a lot has happened in that time! I've been dealing with a lot of dissociation and deep trauma. There has been some self-harm but there's also been new coping strategies I've been adopting.

Therapy wise I've been making massive progress. I've been able to talk about some really deep, degrading aspects of the abuse in ways I'd never have thought possible. The kind of stuff I never ever thought I'd ever tell another human being! And I've amazed myself at my ability to trust my therapist with some of the most degrading and shameful aspects of the abuse. I've also been able to allow my therapist to hug me a couple of times after particularly traumatic sessions. And I've been able to refuse hugs that she has offered which I couldn't cope with. Having that 'no' respected and accepted has been huge. It's been great to be able to say 'no' and to learn I have the right to say 'no'. But also being able to say 'yes' and to allow those healing hugs has been HUGE for me!

In my counselling sessions I've also been addressing some tough material. We've been doing visual stuff as well as talking, I had one week doing sand therapy in a sand tray which was very powerful. This week I was lying on the floor with felt tip pens and huge bits of paper pouring out words, thoughts and feelings. Whenever I do anything that's visual in any way it has a powerful impact on me. I've also done some really good work with my child parts. I find that if my little ones are comforted, soothed, doing ok it makes a huge difference to how I feel. We've also introduced some grounding techniques to help with the dissociation. I've also begun to come to sessions with ideas on how I'd like to work on something and she has welcomed that input from me. My counsellor said to me "I love it when you take control or bring ideas".

And now I'm packing up for my next holiday funded by my Criminal Injuries Compensation. I leave for Austria early tomorrow morning. I'm looking forward to seeing the Alps in late Spring/early summer rather than in their winter covering of snow. I'm also looking forward to returning to Innsbruck and Salzburg to tick off things I wanted to do on previous visits to those places but didn't have time to. I'm excited about going to some new parts of Austria too.

I'm both excited and anxious about the holiday, excited as to what adventures lie ahead of me during the next week or so but also anxious as to what the people I'll be travelling with will be like. I hope they'll be friendly and hospitable without being intrusive.

And so to the next adventure!!!