I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Tuesday, 25 June 2013


I had no idea what Father's Day was going to be like this year with it being the first one since his death last summer.

It turned out to be a very intense day. The week leading up to it and the week afterwards were equally intense. I was in a world of deep trauma and pain and was dissociated pretty much throughuot that time.

I also experienced a new phenomena dissociating in my sleep. I've experienced waking up dissociated which is always difficult and confusing but sleeping dissociated was new to me and utterly exhausting - physically and psychologically.

On some levels Father's Day this year was easier than in the past but in many other ways it was far harder.

My emotions have always been very mixed when it comes to my father. Among all the hurt and trauma of what he and what he did there was also relief that he is now dead and cannot hurt or be involved in the hurt of anyone ever again.

That relief was very intense and helped ease the world of hurt I was in. However, I also had some feelings of betrayal. I felt I was betraying my father by feeling so good about the fact he is dead. I then reminded myself of how much he had betrayed me which helped balance things out a bit. I still had that niggling feeling of betrayal though. I mentioned it to my therapist last week. Her comment was "he betrayed you, you wouldn't be human if you didn't relief that he can't hurt or betray anyone else, you have full permission to feel relieved and happy that he is dead and cannot hurt anybody!"

That helped me a lot and I've been working on allowing me to feel that relief and not beating myself up about it.

I had a massage the day following Father's Day. I was in a world of hurt and totally disconnected from my body. The massage helped bring me back, I found it very comforting. That is the first time I've felt that during massage. The gentle comfort I felt helped me reconnect with my body and I left the massage feeling more connected with myself.

Allowing myself to feel comforted and to allow myself to stay in that feeling was a totally new experience for me.

The odd feeling I also had about being, in effect, an orphan, although my parents are still alive but don't want to acknowledge my existence was always very hard and painful. On Father's Day knowing that my father is alive and does not want to even acknowledge he has a daughte was always a very horrible feeling. But now he is dead that perspective to Father's Day has gone. That in itself is a massive relief!

So moving on from Father's Day, fully acknowledging the pain and trauma but also the new life I am building for me, is helping me with the hurt every day. Nothing will ever fill the gap of never having been fathered. But thank goodness I can truly say I am fatherless now, without thinking "hmm that's not totally true" while at the same time being the true situation of my life. That always felt weird!

Spiritually speaking I have a growing relationship with my Safe Daddy and I love being His little girl. And that makes all the difference in the world to me!

Thursday, 13 June 2013


The last couple of months have been quite a journey for me. It's been mostly a happy time in spite of having to work through some tough issues.

Mid May saw me in Austria on a luxury coach holiday paid for by my criminal injuries compensation. It was an incredible week of creating wonderful memories. It was also challenging in some ways.

The social meal times are always a difficult time for me. I was blessed to share my meal times on this holiday with some lovely caring people who were non intrusive at the same time. They were also incredibly gentle. I found myself sitting next to a man in his mid 30's who was very gentle in manner and speech.

To begin with I felt absolutely terrified and unsure how to communicate with him but as the week went on I got more confidence and enjoyed our conversations over dinner which were mostly filled with sport, football being the main recurring theme! By the end of the holiday I was quite sad as I realised how much I'd enjoyed his company and how much confidence I had gained as a result. I really appreciated his very gentle spirit and the gentle way in which he spoke. It was really good for me to find that I could hold my own in conversations at the dinner table and to also find that meal times could be fun and not an endurance event!

The weather during the week was absolutely fabulous and I felt very privileged to be in the Alps in early summer and to be able to see the Alps in such glorious perfect weather! I particularly enjoyed on the final day wandering the hiking trails around the village where we stayed and photographing the carpets of wild flowers. At one point I lay down on the grass between two carpets of flowers and enjoyed the aroma and the freedom I felt. I've rarely felt that free in life!

Our visit to Salzburg was on the hottest day of the week and I was able to enjoy and photograph the breathtaking vistas from the fortress which I couldn't see Christmas 2006 because of fog. I struggle to find words for the trip we made to Hitler's Eagle's Nest mountain hideaway. The drops were terrifying and the views awe inspiring. To be so high up in the mountains with such incredible views of mountains as far as the eye could see was an incredible feeling. To be where Hitler once was, to stand where Hitler once stood, was a very strange feeling. It was an unforgettable experience of many mixed emotions.

The group I travelled with were mostly very kind, hospitable people who were a joy to be around. The only word I can find for how I feel about being able to have that holiday is "privileged", very privileged indeed!

Once home I had a lot of issues to process in counselling and therapy as well as celebrating the progress I've made too!

It is challenging to realise that people do like my company, want to be around me and value what I have to say and me as I am.

That goes against all the overt and implied messages I had throughout my childhood that no one would ever want to be around me and that I have nothing of value to give or to say.

The holiday to Austria continued what has begun through my Christmas trips and my birthday trip earlier this year to Germany. I now have solid evidence that I cannot explain away and it's so appropriate that it has come as a result of the compensation. Such experiences are challenging but also very healing, if I will allow them to be and stop arguing them away!

We're getting back to working on some really serious issues and I am facing and feeling for the first time the very real and consistent degradation I experienced throughout the first twenty years of my life. It's tough work which is taking a lot out of me but it's also a relief to finally, after all these years, get back to that stuff in a safe supportive environment. I said yesterday that I survived it against all the odds so I can survive going back to it now even though it feels so overwhelming at times!