I had no idea what Father's Day was going to be like this year with it being the first one since his death last summer.
It turned out to be a very intense day. The week leading up to it and the week afterwards were equally intense. I was in a world of deep trauma and pain and was dissociated pretty much throughuot that time.
I also experienced a new phenomena dissociating in my sleep. I've experienced waking up dissociated which is always difficult and confusing but sleeping dissociated was new to me and utterly exhausting - physically and psychologically.
On some levels Father's Day this year was easier than in the past but in many other ways it was far harder.
My emotions have always been very mixed when it comes to my father. Among all the hurt and trauma of what he and what he did there was also relief that he is now dead and cannot hurt or be involved in the hurt of anyone ever again.
That relief was very intense and helped ease the world of hurt I was in. However, I also had some feelings of betrayal. I felt I was betraying my father by feeling so good about the fact he is dead. I then reminded myself of how much he had betrayed me which helped balance things out a bit. I still had that niggling feeling of betrayal though. I mentioned it to my therapist last week. Her comment was "he betrayed you, you wouldn't be human if you didn't relief that he can't hurt or betray anyone else, you have full permission to feel relieved and happy that he is dead and cannot hurt anybody!"
That helped me a lot and I've been working on allowing me to feel that relief and not beating myself up about it.
I had a massage the day following Father's Day. I was in a world of hurt and totally disconnected from my body. The massage helped bring me back, I found it very comforting. That is the first time I've felt that during massage. The gentle comfort I felt helped me reconnect with my body and I left the massage feeling more connected with myself.
Allowing myself to feel comforted and to allow myself to stay in that feeling was a totally new experience for me.
The odd feeling I also had about being, in effect, an orphan, although my parents are still alive but don't want to acknowledge my existence was always very hard and painful. On Father's Day knowing that my father is alive and does not want to even acknowledge he has a daughte was always a very horrible feeling. But now he is dead that perspective to Father's Day has gone. That in itself is a massive relief!
So moving on from Father's Day, fully acknowledging the pain and trauma but also the new life I am building for me, is helping me with the hurt every day. Nothing will ever fill the gap of never having been fathered. But thank goodness I can truly say I am fatherless now, without thinking "hmm that's not totally true" while at the same time being the true situation of my life. That always felt weird!
Spiritually speaking I have a growing relationship with my Safe Daddy and I love being His little girl. And that makes all the difference in the world to me!