I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Thursday, 13 June 2013


The last couple of months have been quite a journey for me. It's been mostly a happy time in spite of having to work through some tough issues.

Mid May saw me in Austria on a luxury coach holiday paid for by my criminal injuries compensation. It was an incredible week of creating wonderful memories. It was also challenging in some ways.

The social meal times are always a difficult time for me. I was blessed to share my meal times on this holiday with some lovely caring people who were non intrusive at the same time. They were also incredibly gentle. I found myself sitting next to a man in his mid 30's who was very gentle in manner and speech.

To begin with I felt absolutely terrified and unsure how to communicate with him but as the week went on I got more confidence and enjoyed our conversations over dinner which were mostly filled with sport, football being the main recurring theme! By the end of the holiday I was quite sad as I realised how much I'd enjoyed his company and how much confidence I had gained as a result. I really appreciated his very gentle spirit and the gentle way in which he spoke. It was really good for me to find that I could hold my own in conversations at the dinner table and to also find that meal times could be fun and not an endurance event!

The weather during the week was absolutely fabulous and I felt very privileged to be in the Alps in early summer and to be able to see the Alps in such glorious perfect weather! I particularly enjoyed on the final day wandering the hiking trails around the village where we stayed and photographing the carpets of wild flowers. At one point I lay down on the grass between two carpets of flowers and enjoyed the aroma and the freedom I felt. I've rarely felt that free in life!

Our visit to Salzburg was on the hottest day of the week and I was able to enjoy and photograph the breathtaking vistas from the fortress which I couldn't see Christmas 2006 because of fog. I struggle to find words for the trip we made to Hitler's Eagle's Nest mountain hideaway. The drops were terrifying and the views awe inspiring. To be so high up in the mountains with such incredible views of mountains as far as the eye could see was an incredible feeling. To be where Hitler once was, to stand where Hitler once stood, was a very strange feeling. It was an unforgettable experience of many mixed emotions.

The group I travelled with were mostly very kind, hospitable people who were a joy to be around. The only word I can find for how I feel about being able to have that holiday is "privileged", very privileged indeed!

Once home I had a lot of issues to process in counselling and therapy as well as celebrating the progress I've made too!

It is challenging to realise that people do like my company, want to be around me and value what I have to say and me as I am.

That goes against all the overt and implied messages I had throughout my childhood that no one would ever want to be around me and that I have nothing of value to give or to say.

The holiday to Austria continued what has begun through my Christmas trips and my birthday trip earlier this year to Germany. I now have solid evidence that I cannot explain away and it's so appropriate that it has come as a result of the compensation. Such experiences are challenging but also very healing, if I will allow them to be and stop arguing them away!

We're getting back to working on some really serious issues and I am facing and feeling for the first time the very real and consistent degradation I experienced throughout the first twenty years of my life. It's tough work which is taking a lot out of me but it's also a relief to finally, after all these years, get back to that stuff in a safe supportive environment. I said yesterday that I survived it against all the odds so I can survive going back to it now even though it feels so overwhelming at times!

No comments: