I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Friday, 19 July 2013


The last two weeka have been very traumatic for me and I am just starting to recover, hopefully a calm, quiet weekend will continue to soothe and enable my recovery.

I was very traumatised by 2 events outside of my control and this time last week was in a place of total overwhelm. I seriously self harmed and came close to slitting one of my wrists.

It was a very tough time but the support I've had from my counsellor and therapist has been superb. I've been able to pick apart, step by step, what processes I go through when I am traumatised, shut down, disassociate and self harm.

Through doing this work that we've been able to work out the points at which an intervention could interrupt the auto-pilot trauma response.

It has also enabled me to better understand what is happening for me and why and to accept and value the ways in which my mind, in particular, has helped me cope with past and present trauma.

I am beginning to do some mindfulness and self-compassion work with a Mental Health Recovery Worker which, it is hoped, will help interrupt the trauma response and enable me to eventually live at a lower level of overall stress from day to day. Just 5-minutes of mindfulnesswork with my worker were very eye-opening for me in showing me how my brain flitters about at break-neck speed.

So although I could have done without the trauma of the last 2-weeks the support I've had has helped me understand the processes involved and look at strategies for managing past, current and future trauma events in my life.


I had to visit the dentist today and it was daunting going knowing it would involve preparation of a chipped tooth for a crown and then doing a 2-stage impression.

Impressions have always been a source of major trauma as I cannot cope with someone putting something in my mouth without seriously gagging.

So today felt very daunting and I was really stressed when I arrived. But I was to be amazed at how well the appointment went.

She was able to give me and injection, work on the tooth and to the impression all without my gagging. I lay in the chair focusing on my breathing and counting in my head amazed and flabbergasted that I was NOT gagging at all.

It shows that the hard work I've been doing in counselling and therapy has paid off and some huge healing has happened.

I enjoyed how good it felt not to be gagging and in trauma but calmly lying there counting and breathing. Wow, it felt so good!!!!