I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Monday, 26 August 2013


Yesterday was the first anniversary of my father's death.
I took myself out for the day to a local tourist attraction where there are loads of animals and really fun and interesting stuff to do. I've been there before and had promised myself a trip there this summer but hadn't managed to.
I had a lovely day meeting the animals, getting hands on with many animals, feeding them and having fun being so close with them. It brought out the gentle, nurturing side of my personality and was fun! My day also included 2 falconry + birds of prey displays, watching goat walking (which was hilarious when one got free and had loads of fun dodging everyone who tried to catch it!), ferret racing and going on the deer train to get up close and very personal to deer and llamas.
I took a shed load of photos of the day and the weather was very kind to me. I had a goat attempt to eat the top of one sleeve of my t-shirt while I petted his mate!! I got chased by a gaggle of geese. I was followed very closely by 2 gorgeous white ponies as I walked around their large pen - I think they were unconvinced that I really had run out of food for them - I had 2 other bags in my rucksack which they must have been able to smell but of course I wanted to share the food around all the animals there!
It was a wonderful day. It was so much fun. I really enjoyed myself although the shadow of what the day was hung around me throughout.
The night before wasn't very wonderful - it was awful actually!
When I woke that morning I felt so rough I didn't want to face the world.
As I headed home to watch the snooker I'd recorded throughout the day I knew I was going home to face my pain, grief and loss too!
And today is very hard too!!
There are 3 aspects to anniversaries that I've discovered this year - there is the build up, the preparation I need to do beforehand in order to get through the anniversary - there is the day itself which has to be got through as well as possible - and then there is the reaction to it, which tends to be the hardest aspect of all!
I had prepared myself well for this anniversary. During the 3 weeks leading up to it I worked hard in therapy and counselling on what issues came up and needed addressing about my father, what he did and so on.
The day itself I was determined to give myself as much fun and gentle activity as possible so it could go as well as possible. I was also determined to give myself, as far was possible, some really good memories.
And now I am dealing with reaction which may take quite a while to settle down. But that's ok. I expect it will settle in time for me to be able to head off on my trip to the French Alps in a couple of weeks or so in a more settled place, emotionally and psychologically!
The big difference for me is now that I recognise those three stages and I accept them rather than give myself a hard time over it all!

And that makes the BIGGEST difference of all and really helps my healing processes!!


It's been a while since I've been able to post anything due to a combination of computer problems, exhaustion and all else that's been going on in my healing journey during the last couple of months.

At long last the computer problems seem to be solved and I'm in a place where I can pause and catch breath.

I've been very busy in therapy and counselling going deeper in to the abuse than I ever thought possible and going deeper in to the belief systems about myself that formed and the effects on the abuse involving every aspect of my life.

It's been very tiring but also very rewarding work! Not easy, to the contrary very hard to do but by doing the hard work of going to those really hard places has made it easier for me on all sorts of levels.

I've also begun doing some mindfulness work which is slowly impacting on my daily life and making a difference to how I am. Even if for only a few seconds a day I'm able to have respite then it's worth it!

On the issue of Dissociative Identity Disorder I had a really HUGE breakthrough!!

 It was a week or so ago that I was reading a discussion on Facebook about whether integration was necessary for healing to happen. I read this discussion and suddenly thought actually there is a third way that I have discovered for myself in my healing and that it not about integration but acceptance and communication.

As I have slowly learned to accept, appreciate and care for my child parts huge healing has taken place. The more loved, accepted and soothed my many child parts are the better I am. The more I communicate with them the more settled they feel and the easier life is for me. What I've discovered is to live in relationship with them, communicating with them, looking out for them, protecting them and loving them the best I can. As that's happened my child parts have begun to feel happier. My child parts have begun to look out for each other. And I feel very different. I don't feel at war with myself as I had done for all of my life. It has made a MASSIVE difference to us all!!!

And in danger of making a HUGE understatement - that breakthrough has made and continues to make a GREAT BIG difference to how I feel from day to day!