I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Monday, 3 February 2014


I wrote the following words on the eve of the 28th anniversary in immense physical and emotional pain. Two days later I experienced a huge release as I spoke them to my therapist.

This is how I felt and what I thought as a 19 year old beat up and abandoned in the snow, left for dead by my parents.

"I didn't want to be alive. I was shattered. I was bewildered. I felt empty and lost. I didn't know what to make of what had happened. I couldn't take it in. I didn't know how on earth I was going to have any kind of life. The pain, the aloneness, the uncertainty, the abandonment, the despair, the shock, the loss - all blew my life apart. All I wanted to be was safe. That was all that mattered now. I was in immense shock, deeply traumatised, battered and bruised. I hoped I'd wake up from the nightmare BUT I was living it - and it was appalling!"


It was the 28th Anniversary on 28th Jan of the day, or rather, evening, I was beaten up and left for dead in the snow by my parents.

It's always a very tough anniversary but this year it was very tough. There was something very significant about the combination of the number 28. Also the trauma has gradually been getting closer to the surface as I've been working in counselling and therapy in a very reflective way for the last few months getting closer and closer to what actually happened and how it actually felt.

The three weeks leading up to the anniversary were very hard with a huge increase in migraines, nightmares, panic attacks and trauma responses which got worse as the anniversary approached. I also began to experience body memories as I've not experienced them before. 

I could actually feel the kicking my back and backside took back in 1986. Lying in bed I could feel the kicks and feel how my back felt those kicks. It was as if I was getting the beating and the kicking all over. I could feel the kicks, the pain and the bruising. It was very powerful and the pain I experienced over that weekend before the anniversary was extreme. I also found it very hard to sit down for several days. 

The body memories brought stuff to the surface in such a real and raw way that I had to work in a very raw, real, honest and deep way both in counselling and therapy. I've gained deeper understanding of myself and deeper respect for my body through it all!

I've always said that it's always felt like a part of me was still frozen in the snow and frozen in the horror of what happened. As a result of all the work I had to do from the body memories that part of me no longer feels frozen. It's as if I allowed her to revisit the trauma from a safe place and process it in a way she hadn't been able to do before. 

It is a relief to now be in February. I've gotten through a very tough January. I hope that the work I have done throughout the lead up to, during and following the anniversary means that in future it will not be so bad.