I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Tuesday, 25 March 2014


I've been playing pool once a week in a local sports bar for a couple of years now and have made huge strides forward in how I cope with the social aspects of it. I look forward to going now and really miss it when I can't make it. That is huge progress from being terrified about it to enjoying it. It began as something I wanted to do but which also terrified me. Being woman alone in a bar is very daunting. Also, playing a sport which is very much a man's domain was also daunting. It was terrifying all round!! But I've stuck with it and it's now become a really important and enjoyable part of my week.

Last week I had cause to enjoy it even more than usual.

I was coming to the end of my practise time when 2 men came in to the bar and began playing pool on the table next to mine. After about 15 minutes one of them challenged me to play him for money. I declined asserting that I never play for money just for pure love of the game. He then agreed to play me on those terms. His mate said he'd play whoever won.

Well I beat the 1st guy hands down, I played him off the table. He said "I can't believe I just got beat by a woman".  So I went on to play his mate. It came down to the last ball on the table and it was 50-50 who would win. 

He won in the end but said "he couldn't believe how close he'd come to getting beat by a woman" and asked me how I'd learned to play like that.

I told him how I started out in snooker 25 plus years ago and only came to pool 3 years ago. How I bought a 4-foot table for myself 2 years ago, play snooker and pool most days and that I go down the sports bar once a week to play on a full size table.

He was like "respect", put it there, as he shook my hand in disbelief that a woman could play the game so well and take on the men in an even game in the way I did.

I nonchalantly said "well, erm, women can play pool you know".

He said to me "if ever we're in here again and you are here we will play you again for sure, you are good."

There was so much respect coming from thay guy towards me it was breathtaking and very healing to feel so much respect as a woman from a man.

All the while his mate kept saying "I can't believe how close both of us came to being beat by a woman."

Inside I chuckled to myself. I packed up my cue and walked out the bar feeling 12 foot tall!!

Saturday, 8 March 2014


My therapist had an operation this week and I won't be seeing her until mid-April.

Throughout January and February in the lead up to her operation and sick-leave I did some very deep work in counselling and therapy. 

There was a lot of abandonment and rejection stuff kicked up which goes back to my tiniest age. I realised that there are many levels of abandonment and rejection in my life and it isn't just about being beaten up and left for dead in the snow by my parents. There were so many different abandonments and rejections throughout my childhood that it's amazing I can function at all.

It was good to be able to sit with my therapist and admit to my struggles with it all. It was very healing to sit her and say that I was not ok with it happening and to be heard, understood and NOT put down.

After my last session with her which was very tough there was a switch inside from anticipating and dreading to accepting it had happened and focusing on battening down the hatches.

Last week I had my first session with my interim therapist. It was hard work. It was very much a "getting to know you session". I still have no idea what work I'm going to do with her but at least I do feel I can work with her.

It helped when she was able to tell me my therapist had come through the operation ok. I feel much more relaxed about her now, knowing it's a question of time and recovery.

None of this has been either easy or comfortable. It's been very hard and very uncomfortable. But also, the first time in my life I have not run away from the uncomfortable strong feelings and fears but have faced them head-on. And that is progress, although very painful, difficult progress!

At the same time I am coping with my CPN being absent from work, since late January with no alternate provision. I'm finding that very hard. I'm hoping she will return to work on 3rd April. She was supposed to be back 3rd March then it got pushed back another month,

It's the not-knowing what is going on and the powerlessness of the situation which feels very tough and difficult to cope with!


I approached my birthday this year in February in a totally different way from I have in the past. 

Instead of treating it as a special day which had to be treated differently and coming up against all the stuff from childhood about it I decided to treat it as a normal day but do something different for lunch. And it worked, it worked really well and I felt very different. I had a special lunch at Bella Italia. I dressed smart casual in a shirt and jacket with my jeans and I felt a million dollars.

Throughout the week my birthday was in I fed on the memories of my birthday in Bavaria last year. The memories of people, places, interactions and experiences are very special to me. I felt the sparkle in my eyes and the light it brought to my inner places those memories create.

It's wonderful to have all those memories. And it's fantastic for me to be able to decide to do things slightly differently and wow, what a difference it made.

And then, I had another surprise when a friend invited me to have a birthday dinner with her family the following week. I felt very special eating roast chicken dinner and then when she presented me with a birthday cake with lit candles and a knife I was blown away. It was very precious to me!!