I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Saturday, 8 March 2014


My therapist had an operation this week and I won't be seeing her until mid-April.

Throughout January and February in the lead up to her operation and sick-leave I did some very deep work in counselling and therapy. 

There was a lot of abandonment and rejection stuff kicked up which goes back to my tiniest age. I realised that there are many levels of abandonment and rejection in my life and it isn't just about being beaten up and left for dead in the snow by my parents. There were so many different abandonments and rejections throughout my childhood that it's amazing I can function at all.

It was good to be able to sit with my therapist and admit to my struggles with it all. It was very healing to sit her and say that I was not ok with it happening and to be heard, understood and NOT put down.

After my last session with her which was very tough there was a switch inside from anticipating and dreading to accepting it had happened and focusing on battening down the hatches.

Last week I had my first session with my interim therapist. It was hard work. It was very much a "getting to know you session". I still have no idea what work I'm going to do with her but at least I do feel I can work with her.

It helped when she was able to tell me my therapist had come through the operation ok. I feel much more relaxed about her now, knowing it's a question of time and recovery.

None of this has been either easy or comfortable. It's been very hard and very uncomfortable. But also, the first time in my life I have not run away from the uncomfortable strong feelings and fears but have faced them head-on. And that is progress, although very painful, difficult progress!

At the same time I am coping with my CPN being absent from work, since late January with no alternate provision. I'm finding that very hard. I'm hoping she will return to work on 3rd April. She was supposed to be back 3rd March then it got pushed back another month,

It's the not-knowing what is going on and the powerlessness of the situation which feels very tough and difficult to cope with!

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