I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Sunday, 13 September 2015


It's been a while since I've been able to find the mental, emotional and physical space to update my blog. 

While I was in a place where your focus has to be on surviving, staying alive, keeping going with no end in sight of the disruptions and lack of support it has been impossible for me to find mental or physical energy for anything else

The lack of Care Co-Ordination from the local mental health team disrupted my life and my therapy for 18-months but is finally at an end. 

A new Care Co-Ordinator is now in place, and she is really good, I met her in May 2014 and did good work with her then she went off sick for a long time. It's fantastic to be back working with her.

She is also putting a Care Plan together with her manager to have contingency for if similar things should happen again. She has introduced me to a lovely female worker just new in post and will introduce me to a 2nd female when she starts work soon. The idea is to have joined up care, that I can have access to 2 female members of staff and a third on standby just in case. My 2nd formal complaint has been resolved, not without some lies from one person involved, but as she is leaving I can ignore her lies and just move on. 

She is being supervised by the person who oversees my therapy plan so there is safety there also. At long last intelligent plans are being put in place to help me feel safe in the service again.

So I can begin to turn my attention back to the business of therapy and counselling and to all the things I've been building in to my life to improve my quality of life. It feels great to finally be able to get my focus on what matters rather than being focused on just surviving.

I passed the third anniversary of my father's death late August and had a lot to recognise and process. I can see how far I've come along the grieving process and am able to recognise a new script in my head which helps to silence the old script. And that is fantastic, it's a start to build on.

I've just gone through the hell of putting in my PIP claim and now await the outcome. It's going to be hard to compartmentalise it away and not think or worry about it because so much is at stake. But I know I have done all I can to make a compelling claim loaded with supportive documents and reports. And I know it could be a long time before I know what the next stage will be in my PIP journey.

The rugby season has restarted and it's good to be getting back to that. Also with the Rugby World Cup starting soon there's a lot of rugby to look forward to.

I'm saving up to pay for my Christmas holiday to Belgium and I have something special booked for my 50th birthday in February!

It is just nice to be thinking of the ordinary things of life again!! 

Yes it's been a heck of a long time, but I'm back for sure!!!